


The Scientist

by ljthebard



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, F/F, I'm Sorry, NO character deaths, So much angst, slow-burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-17 02:14:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 34,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8126488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ljthebard/pseuds/ljthebard
Summary: Erin gets an offer too good to refuse. Holtzbert. Slow-burn.





	1. Come Up To Meet You (Tell You I'm Sorry)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Qym](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qym/gifts).



> Let me start off by saying that this story could not have come to fruition without the dark and twisted mind of our very own Benevolent Haunting author Qym (go read their work). So, in return for their cooperation of giving me a happy ending (oooh, i went there ;3) here is one of the most angst-filled pieces that I've ever managed to write in my entire life.
> 
> I truly apologize that I cannot even tell you where this may end up... but buckle up and enjoy the ride.
> 
> (Also, I did a lot of research but I will admit that I've never been to Stanford so if you have and notice anything sounding off, I'm sorry! Also actual addresses/phone numbers have been changed due to fear of being sued.)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.

**_LELAND STANFORD JUNIOR UNIVERSITY_ **

**_HUMAN RESOURCES DIVISION_ **

**_SCIENCE DEPARTMENT_ **

_397 Panama Mall – Mitchell Building 101_

_Stanford, CA  91210_

_Tel: (650) 711-5555_

 

_Dr. Erin R. Gilbert_

Ghostbusters HQ

_14 N. Moore Street_

_West Broadway, Tribeca_

_New York, NY  10013_

**10 June 2016**

_Dr. Gilbert,_

_It comes with great pleasure that we extend to you a contract to work as a research facilitator and instructor of our up and coming Department of Paranormal Physics at Stanford University._

_Your former mentor, the late Dr. Brennen from Princeton sent nothing but the highest of praises on your former research as well as the journal you released over a month ago following up the details of your findings during the New York City apocalyptic event last March._

_I, personally could not have thought of a better candidate than yourself to help us study and understand what the scientists of our world have tragically ignored for too long. If you so choose to accept this offer, all expenses to include air fare and your first three months’ rent will be taken care of, barring your decision to room on the Campus grounds for our staff._

_Please reply **NLT 20 June 2016** as we will need ample time to prepare your move here and be ready for our upcoming 2016-17 Fall Semester. You would be an invaluable asset to our research team and would be working alongside some of the most brilliant minds in the country, aside from your own._

_We look forward to your response._

_Deepest Regards,_

_Dr. Mike O. Beale, Ph.D._

_Dean of Sciences_

_Stanford Univ_.

 

Aghast at the letter that had arrived in Saturday’s post, it now being late Tuesday night; the proverbial and _literal_ clock was ticking. Erin hated that she even had a niggling of doubt in her mind that this was a decision she’d consider taking on after they’d _just_ finished rescuing New York a few months prior and had been granted unlimited funding by the Mayor as well as the Firehouse to help support their research and endeavors.

 

Without question, Erin had everything she’d ever wanted – well, _almost_ everything, she mused darkly. Considering that they still were considered frauds in the eyes of most and that even her parents who had called her up not long after the Rowan incident, were disappointed in Erin for losing her tenure at Columbia and following Abby down “that same crazy path you two were headed down as kids… really Erin, it’s time to grow up!” her father had admonished over the phone.

 

So when she had seen the seal of academia waiting on her desk downstairs, she’d been eerily reminded of her past transgressions and failures. Of the _years_ she spent kissing so many asses, of the valuable time spent being treated as someone who was expected to make and bring all of her colleagues (her ex-boyfriend _Phil,_ amongst them) coffee to meetings, foolish enough to not connect the dots after being the only woman in the department for six years.

 

She thought of her former Dean: Dr. Filmore at Columbia and how even after New York went down, he had yet to call her – whether to apologize or to accept her back – and it stung. She had spent the last thirty-nine years of her life trying to impress her parents, her _therapist_ , her teachers, her bosses, even men who would promise to call and never did.

 

She was damn sick and tired of being right and _still_ having nothing to show for it. _Well_ , she mused, _not nothing_.

 

That was unfair, certainly. She had her friendship with Abby back, that had been a rough start, sure – but things were back to normal again between them and she didn’t regret one second of jumping into that portal without a second thought to save her friend from a fate worse than death.

 

And she had Holtzmann and Patty and Kevin, too – they were like Holtz had stiffly said at the bar during their post-Rowan celebration; _a family_.

 

She re-read the letter for the umpteenth time, scanning it really – by now, the cardinal seal was branded into the back of her mind and she knew that this was a decision she’d have to bring up to the others. This wasn’t just about her any longer, no matter how selfish they’d all been in the past.

 

She knew that Abby would be the toughest to crack – they’d already gone through this schpeal once with Princeton and the book. Holtzmann and Patty would probably have a more open mind and be able to give her solid advice, determine whether she should at least give it a try.

 

A voice that sounded eerily similar to her Dad’s as she grew up kept whisper-shouting his old advice in her head: “ _If you have to think twice, then your answer is no._ ” She silenced the voices in her head and glanced over to the alarm clock on her desk, red numbers glaring at her in warning that she should have been asleep hours ago, now well past two in the morning. But her mind was too active and so she paced.

 

She was torn. For once in her life it seemed like she could have everything she wanted _and more_ , but it somehow didn’t feel like enough.

 

Stanford was an opportunity to correct her past, maybe even help setup a future – one where people could respect her for her intellect and admire that she wasn’t some crazy “ghost girl.” And what was more is how she could expand the Ghostbusters to the West Coast with her research, broaden their horizons in case anything like Rowan ever transpired out there, too.

 

They’d stop calling her a fraud, stop thinking she was a _freak_. Dr. Beale sounded like a guy who was ready to believe…

 

She smirked as she heard teenage Abby’s voice in her head quoting the X-Files: “ _I’m ready to believe!_ ” they had been such dorks back when. And she knew that that dork had her back no matter what, but still – she glanced back at the letter and sighed.

 

“Damn it Gilbert, woman up! You’re a brilliant scientist and you saved countless lives from a ghost in New York City. You can _do_ this – you deserve to be considered,” Erin spoke to herself, crossing and uncrossing her arms as she paced in her M.I.T. sweatshirt and black _sofee_ shorts.

 

Erin nodded to herself in her reflection in the mirror across from her bed.

 

“Right, I’ll just go and talk to her – we’re all adults here,” Erin turned and had her right hand on the door before she saw her alarm clock’s illuminative red numbers reminding her of the hour.

 

“Tomorrow,” Erin turned back around and clicked off her desk lamp. “I’ll tell Abby and the others _tomorrow_. It’ll be fine.”

 

Erin settled into her full-size mattress and shut her eyes, hoping that sleep would take her soon.

 

* * *

 

 _Tomorrow_ had arrived and Erin was blinking slowly at her computer screen as she tried to re-read the same article for the fourth time, mechanically bringing her coffee mug up to her lips every few moments between blinks. Abby and Holtzmann had run off on a bust some time ago and Patty and Erin were holding down the fort since it didn’t seem to be a really bad case, merely a T2 vapor. Kev was out doing his hide-and-seek finals that started a week ago, they didn’t really mind his absence, though.

 

“You look like death warmed over, baby,” Patty spoke and she pressed the back of her hand to Erin’s forehead. The cool touch of Patty’s extremity made Erin blink and sit up. “You all right?”

 

“Didn’t sleep well,” Patty nodded understandingly and offered to refill Erin’s mug for her. Erin passed her the empty ceramic and thanked her as she leaned back and stretched her tired muscles, sighing when she heard a soft ‘ _pop_.’

 

“You know if you need to talk with anyone – I’m an excellent listener and I don’t snitch either,” the taller woman handed Erin back her mug. “I know we’ve only been together a few months, but you can trust in me with anything you got goin’ on, all right?”

 

Erin took a grateful sip of the hot brew and smiled gently up at Patty. She was about to thank her and _maybe_ see if she had any advice concerning the letter when Holtzmann’s mock gasp came up from behind them.

 

“You hittin’ on Erin for me, Patty-cakes?” Holtzmann exited the garage where they parked the ECTO-1 and Erin nearly did a spit-take, turning as red as her burgundy top.

 

“You can do that for yourself, you crazy ass!” Patty rolled her eyes and patted Erin’s back, handing her some napkins.

 

“Aw, but I thought you loved me!” Holtzmann snickered as Abby joined her from the garage, huffing and a little red in the face from the heat and the bust.

 

“I do love you, despite the fact that you terrify me,” Patty ruffled Holtzmann’s hair as the scientist placed her proton pack back on the wall and began unzipping her jumpsuit. She jumped out of Patty’s reach.

 

“No one messes with the do!” Holtzmann screeched and Patty cackled, chasing the blonde around the Firehouse as she threatened to give Holtzmann a new look – _I got an Uncle, really good with some clippers, he taught me a thing or two!_

Abby sat down at her desk which was adjacent from Erin’s and Erin blinked, suddenly more awake now that she was face-to-face with her friend and felt a sense of dread creep into her gut, sending chills down her spine.

 

“You okay, Er? Was Patty saying something about you being ill? I can order us some soup!” Abby – always the mother hen of the group – offered. Erin felt her cheeks flush as she sighed and shook her head, putting her coffee down and blaming it for the suddenness of her hands shaking.

 

 _Just like a Band-Aid, Gilbert… just rip it off_.

 

“I – well… you see,” Erin threw her head back in exasperation as Abby’s eyebrow rose quizzically and she tried to be patient. She began to unzip her coveralls and slide them down so she could breathe a little easier, muttering about getting better material for the next jumpsuits.

 

“The thing is -”

 

“Spit it out, Erin!” Abby snipped, not unkindly so. But the paranormal researcher had known Erin long enough to understand that she’d stall until she was pushed and sometimes the pushing meant being a little tough.

 

“ _Ivebeenofferedajobbystanfordandimconsideringtakingit_ ,” Erin shot out in one breath, ears burning red as she diverted her eyes. Abby blinked, her jaw unhinged like that of Lady Gertrude’s when she had ecto-projected all over Erin on their first “mission.”

 

Erin waited but it seemed like the lights were off upstairs and Abby wasn’t moving. She looked up at her friend.

 

“Uhm – should I… say that slower?” Abby blinked again. _Silence._ Erin opened her mouth to repeat herself, slower this time hopefully, but she was interrupted by Abby’s hand coming up to pause her. Abby was looking down at her hand, not focusing on Erin behind it.

 

“No – I’m not sure you need to,” Abby’s voice was gravelly. Erin’s eyebrows furrowed, not certain how to process Abby’s behavior.

 

“Okay...”

 

“I don’t need to hear it because I _know,_ ” Abby’s hand smacked down on her desk and suddenly the entire Firehouse seemed to quiet down and Erin gulped as she recognized the pitch of anger seep into her friends’ voice. “I _know_ that you didn’t just tell me that you’re going to – to _leave_ us… after _EVERYHING_ we’ve been through!”

 

Abby shot up so fast her chair, instead of rolling, knocked back onto the concrete floor of the Firehouse with a loud ‘ _crash_ ’ and Erin jerked up and away from her own desk, feeling hurt begin to seep into her chest as she struggled to remain level-headed.

 

“Abby -”

 

“ _No,_ ” Abby shouted, pointing her stubby finger at Erin threatening.

 

“No, don’t you _Abby_ me… This is – this is just,” Abby looked flustered and angry. So much so that she couldn’t form her sentence correctly. “Damn it, Erin! This is _just like you!_ ”

 

Erin blinked the tears stinging at the back of her eyes and felt the hurt in her chest suddenly vanish, replaced by another emotion that she had never handled well: anger. It bubbled slowly in her gut, like a viper, waiting for just the right moment to strike – this wasn’t it.

 

“When are you going to _get it_ , Gilbert?! This isn’t some stupid book – or a fancy _degree_ , but our LIFE, Erin! This is our _home_ and you just want to walk out on it?! On _us_?! Why?! Is there something or _someone_ better waiting out there for you? Do they know you’re gonna abandon them, too once you finish _playing with them_?!”

 

Not a sound beyond the heavy breathing from Abby and Erin’s own heart pumping wildly in her ears filled the silence. As Abby prepared to rip into Erin again, her face redder than the physicist had ever seen it before. Each word sliced like a knife into Erin’s heart and she felt the viper coil, hissing and ready to go, her hands shook and she balled them into fists at her side, tears begging to flood her corneas but she kept them at bay as her throat lodged and the sound of feet rushing down the stairs joined the fray.

 

“You want to leave? FINE! There’s the door! But you remember this… you aren’t welcome back here anymore!” Abby shouted.

 

“Abigail Louise Yates!” Holtzmann’s terrified voice was laced with uncharacteristic anger as Patty held her back from getting into the middle of it.

 

“This isn’t your place, Holtzmann, stay out of it!” Abby snapped.

 

“You’re off your rocker if you believe for one fu – _mmfph!_ ” Patty clapped a hand around Holtzmann’s mouth, warning her with a more serious look to stop because this truly wasn’t _their_ fight.

 

Abby’s eyes rounded back on Erin who stood, trembling with burning rage, just under the surface. Abby raised her finger again and opened her mouth but Erin beat her to the punch.

 

“You want me gone?” Erin’s voice was quiet, deadly. Abby’s jaw snapped shut as Patty and Holtzmann watched on, horrified.

 

“You… you’re so _selfish_ Abby!” Erin’s voice rose with each syllable. The Firehouse floor echoed her words like a symphony and this was just the first act.

 

“I was just fine before you came along! I had a career and _respect_! I was getting to follow a path that I’d always wanted! And you just came in and uprooted it with all your talk of ghosts and the paranormal and – and _bullshit!_ ”

 

Patty shook her head. _Oh, baby – no…_

 

“I am _done_ letting you drag me into your stupid shenanigans – you’ve ruined my life, not only once, but _twice_! I could have had a _career_ and a LIFE at Columbia and you go and make me lose it all because of what? Some stupid gig that even our government continues to tell the public is fake? That we’re nothing but _frauds?!_ ” Erin boomed.

 

“Well guess what, Erin – nobody gives a damn what others think except _you_! Your parents didn’t show you enough love growing up? Thought you were crazy?!” Abby cut in, hitting Erin right below the belt where she knew it would do the most damage and Erin choked.

 

“ _Oh, boohoo, I saw a ghost and mommy and daddy didn’t believe me and think I need therapy…_ and that’s why you’re still holding on so _goddamn_ tightly to your need to impress anyone and everyone around you!”

 

“You’re the only fraud here, Erin… we have it all – we have the _funding_ , we have our _machines_ , we have – or at least we _had_ each other, but I guess no matter what we do, it’ll never be enough for perfect little Erin Gilbert… in all of her needs to be _goddamn normal._ Well go on ahead and _be_ normal – we don’t need you here anyway!”

 

“That’s enough!” Patty’s voice stopped Abby before she could do anymore damage, but it was already done.

 

Silence fell over them like an uncomfortable, itchy blanket in the middle of a desert; uncomfortable and unwanted. Erin felt herself physically deflate and she blinked, refusing to let Abby see the tears fall. She turned slowly, much like a dog with its tail between its legs and walked slowly toward the stairwell.

 

Abby, Patty and Holtzmann looked on, one in anger, the other two in pure shock. As soon as they heard a door slam upstairs, Patty let out a yelp and her hand flew back.

 

“ _Holtzy!_ Did you seriously just _bite me_?!” Holtzmann was already up one flight of stairs – taking them three at a time – desperate to get to Erin.

 

“That girl’s always digging around in the trash, she best not have any damn rabies,” Patty swore and shook out her hand where a perfect imprint of Holtz’ teeth marked the side of her palm and she forgot momentarily what had caused it in the first place.

 

Looking up, her eyes met Abby, who had taken to sitting back down in her chair and was pulling off her boots like nothing had just transpired. Like the whole team had not just literally fallen to shit right then and there…

 

“Abs?” Abby ignored her and Patty shook her head, the brunette was obviously shut off to the world as she focused on the task of answering emails on her computer and writing down the case log from the bust she’d just returned from.

 

Patty made her way upstairs and was unsurprised that Holtzmann was sitting just outside of Erin’s door, a foreign scowl gracing her usually softer features. Knees pulled up to her chest and arms wrapped around them, it was clear that Holtzmann would not move even if Patty tried.

 

The girl was loyal to a fault, but it was obvious that despite Abby being Holtzmann’s friend first, her heart belonged to the elder physicist – even if she didn’t know it herself yet.

 

 _This is gonna take more than just jumping into a multi-dimensional portal to fix…_ Patty retired to her room and didn’t bother coming out again that night. She knew the other Ghostbusters weren’t really fond of religion, being hardcore scientists and all, but Patty sent up a prayer anyway and asked that somehow this all be made right again somehow.

 

* * *

 

A scream unlike any other that Patty had heard before – and she’d become quite acquainted with them since becoming a Ghostbuster – sounded out in the early hours that very next morning and the historian shot out of bed like a firecracker.

 

 _Holtzy!_ She knew that voice, just as she knew _all_ of her friends’ voices and sadly was becoming acquainted with their screams too, from a few of their busts. But this – this sounded like a wounded animal, painful and pitiful – the kind that just breaks your heart to hear.

 

Patty’s eyes widened though as she realized that the door was ajar and her first thought jumped immediately to the worst.

 

“ _Oh God, please,_ please _no -_ ” but thankfully there was no _body_ in sight. Only Holtzmann, who was on her knees bent over on the floor as though she were grasping at her middle, gasping and trying to keep something there – her heart maybe? – in the center of Erin’s room.

 

Or, what looked like Erin’s room… minus all of her personal effects that had been moved into the Firehouse after they’d gotten it.

 

Her jaw dropped in realization and she looked over at Holtz, knowing that no words she offered could comfort the blonde now, who was openly sobbing and rocking on the floor, obviously broken over the fact that Erin was gone – and had not left a note or anything to say goodbye.

 

“I heard a scream and – what…?” Abby stopped at the frame of Erin’s door and her eyes widened behind her glasses as she pushed them up her nose, hair askew and still obviously half-asleep.

 

Patty shook her head at Abby in disdain, but also felt for the woman who knew without needing any words to be said that Erin was gone… and it’s likely that she was never going to come back.

 

(to be continued...)


	2. Tell Me Your Secrets (Ask Me Your Questions)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team try to find Erin and Erin deals.

****It wasn’t unusual for Holtzmann to scare Patty, what with her constant setting things on fire and making things explode upstairs while she tried to enjoy a book. But this – this was downright _terrifying_.

 

Their resident munitions expert sat numbly in her chair, not even with her feet up on the table like they usually had to stop her from doing – but simply _sitting_. Shoulders hunched over and eyes unfocused and red-rimmed from having cried, yellow glasses pushed up into her curls, her hands twisted the frayed belt of her red kimono over and over again. Patty nursed a hot cup of tea and tried to talk Holtz into drinking some herself.

 

Abby was in her room trying to track down Erin as a means of apologizing and also because Patty and Holtz really had no idea what had truly led the scientist to leave in the first place – they’d only caught the tail end of details from the argument yesterday.

 

The brunette returned, locking her cell phone and shaking her head with a sigh as Patty met her friends’ exhausted eyes. Holtzmann was still zoned out on a stain in front of her mug, but blinked as Abby entered her peripheral, not moving, simply listening.

 

“Her last recorded phone signal was at JFK twenty minutes ago. She must have shut it off. She’s either on a plane or _will_ be on one soon if she isn’t,” Abby explained. “She got a job offer to do research at Stanford. My guess is, she’s taking it.”

 

Patty’s eyes widened in realization of what this meant – and understood a little more clearly now why Abby had been so upset, but it still hadn’t warranted everything that had gone down yesterday.

 

“California?” Patty inquired. “Did she ever mention how long?” Abby shook her head in the negative, looking more upset with how things were turning out by the second.

 

“She was _family_ ,” Holtzmann’s voice startled them and it cracked on the final word. Patty and Abby looked to the engineer who was still looking at the table.

 

“Holtz – she’ll come around,” Patty looked to Abby for support but the woman seemed to offer none. “She did once, she’ll do it again. You gotta believe that, baby.”

 

“Yeah, it only took her eighteen years last time-” Abby realized her mistake as soon as the joke slipped from her mouth as Holtzmann’s face hardened and she stood abruptly, knocking the chair back from behind her, glasses sliding over her glassy blue eyes.

 

Patty and Abby both stared, slack-jawed and a little concerned as Holtzmann wasted no time grabbing her boots and flying down the staircase, kimono flying out behind her.

 

“ _Holtzmann!_ ” Patty and Abby shouted collectively. Patty was up first and Abby was right on her tail as they made it to the ground floor just in time to witness the sirens of the ECTO-1 flashing and speeding down the street.

 

“Aw _Hell_ no… if she wrecks that hearse there is _no_ _way_ my Uncle will give us another one!” Patty groaned, but her concern won out over her frustration as she and Abby hailed a cab after her, demanding that the cabbie break the speed laws in favor of being forgiven by the Mayor if they got pulled over.

 

* * *

 

Erin was waiting at the security checkpoint, having already dropped off her bags, at JFK. The morning bustle of the early commuters and the businessmen in fine black and navy suits surrounded her as she watched a mother help a child through the line of one checkpoint across the way, handing him back his shoes and Erin’s heart hurt.

 

_What if my parents had believed me?_

_What if I never saw the ghost of Mrs. Barnard?_

_What if…?_ Erin shook her head as a guard cleared his throat and Erin smiled pleasantly at him, shucking her tweed coat that she hadn’t worn in a few months, not since – _No, don’t think about it…_

 

Erin focused on getting through security, she pushed her single bin with her effects and her carry-on through the machine as she was motioned forward into the body scanner where she lifted her arms and waited for the wands to do their job.

 

“Clear…” the female guard allowed her to pass and handed Erin her ticket and photo ID. “Safe flight.”

 

Erin nodded, mutely as she reached for her bin and bag after it cleared and stepped back into her nude flats and jacket. As soon as she cleared the main crowd of people still trying to get their things and entered the shopping area that would lead down to the different terminals, she turned back toward the checkpoints and gave them a cursory glance – for what, she dared not think it aloud, but was disappointed regardless when no familiar faces appeared in her line of sight.

 

She turned on her heel and her carry-on rolled behind her against the tile floor as she made her way to Terminal B for her one-way flight to San Francisco International.

 

A new beginning… A fresh start… This time she’d get it _right_.

 

* * *

 

Holtzmann threw the ECTO-1 into an illegal double parked situation in front of the gates, not sure at all what airline she would be on or even if her flight had already taken off, but she begged her lucky stars that there was still time.

 

She flew through the doors, ignoring the guards shouting at her that she couldn’t park there and ran past multiple throngs of individuals who were impatiently trying to make their way in or out of the airport, stopping at the _departures_ screen and scanned it ardently.

 

 _Stanford, that was near Palo Alto... closest airport: San Jose… no,_ Holtzmann re-read the screen of _San_ ’s on the departures screen and saw a flight preparing to depart for San Francisco in thirteen minutes.

 

_San Francisco… B12… Erin!_

 

Holtzmann ran, faster than she ever had on her track team in high school (full scholarship, baby!) past crowds of bodies and was stopped at a security checkpoint.

 

“Ma’am, you have to wait at the back of the line just like the others-” an agitated TSA agent held her back from trying to cut through the lines.

 

“I’m a Ghostbuster! My friend, she – !”

 

“That’s nice, and I’m a TSA and I can have you _arrested_ for trying to get through security without proper identification or boarding passes, so again, back of the line -”

 

“Sir!” Abby’s voice huffed loudly, pausing Holtzmann from throat-punching this man. She glared at him still behind her glasses but he looked unfazed as he turned toward a breathless Patty and Abby who came stumbling to a halt behind her. The TSA rolled his eyes, one hand on his waist, the other at his radio, looking ready to radio in backup.

 

“Listen – sir, _please_ – our friend! We – we have to-” Abby huffed and bent over to try and get some air.

 

“We have to stop her! Please, we promise sir, I used to work for the MTA, I know how security is important if you’d just let us by – you can even watch us the entire time – we have to-” Patty tried but was cut off.

 

“Blah, blah, what does this look like to you? Some rom-com?” the TSA snapped. “Look, ladies, even the President of the United States has to follow our protocol and that protocol says, no ticket? No entry… now if you want to get a hold of your friend – I suggest you get one or else leave before I have you escorted from the premises.”

 

“Man, _c’mon_ give us a break! We _saved_ New York!”

 

Holtzmann wasn’t listening though, her eyes focused on the departures screen behind him where _Flight UA9170_ to SFO blinked _ON TIME_ and _DEPARTED 1MIN AGO_. They were too late.

 

Her body sagged, the sounds of airplanes taking off around her and people in line chattering away and Patty arguing with the TSA all faded into the background. She put up no resistance as backup was called and they were escorted to the exit.

 

Unsurprisingly, the ECTO-1 had been towed but Abby and Patty did not say a word, all three ladies dealing with enough. Hailing a cab, Holtzmann pointed her focus to the clear New York sky and tried not to let the fact that up above, thirty-thousand plus feet in the atmosphere, a piece of her heart was up there somewhere.

 

* * *

 

Erin had never been fond of flying, despite that physics and aerodynamics had proven it to be the safest mode of transport, her nerves were shot and she was grateful for her neighbor who had also not been a fan of flying due to nausea, offered her some Valium which she had downed with a wealthy serving of vodka and cranberry juice.

 

Probably not her smartest idea in hindsight, but at least now she was able to stop thinking so much.

 

“ _Oh!_ ” Erin giggled into her neighbors’ shoulder. He was startled out of his own drug-induced haze – _again_ – to glower at the high scientist next to him. Four times in ten minutes had him reconsidering his friendliness from before.

 

“And I forgot to tell you – the funniest thing, she said – she said, _Erin_ no! That’s not whipped cream!” Erin snorted, undignified and quite unladylike at her own joke, not even aware of what she was talking about. She made a mocking hand explosion with a sound effect that made her cheeks puff out and then slapped her leg, sitting back into her seat.

 

“ _Man_ , this is some really good stuff!” Erin offered her seat-neighbor a lopsided smile, but he was already snoozing once more. Somehow deep in Erin’s conscience she felt a niggling doubt about her humor and how the man beside her had ignored; _Rude_ …

 

 _Just like everybody else_ … _no._ Erin blinked, pushing the thought away and then there was the nice lady in the airline suit.

 

“Another drink, ma’am?” she asked Erin with a too-friendly smile plastered on her face. Erin smiled back lazily and handed – more like _dropped_ – her credit card in the woman’s hands and she scanned it before handing Erin another glass with ice and cranberry, mixing in the miniature bottle, careful to not spill and then handed Erin back her card.

 

Erin threw back the vodka as if it was water and relished in the burn that warmed her chest, her _aching_ chest where her heart sat. Her heart that had just been broken, yet again by her own misfortune and selfish desires…

 

“Why am I such a _freak_ ,” she whined and then promptly passed out.

 

* * *

 

Erin had a hangover. She was grateful for the _Sunglass Hut_ that she came across shortly after arriving at SFO where the sun was shining brightly through the tall glass walls that looked out over the tarmac. She splurged on a few pastries and a bottle of Tylenol before making her way toward the baggage claim, hoping that she didn’t look too horribly wasted for whomever was coming to pick her up.

 

She’d spoken on the phone with the HR department late last night after the fallout with Abby. She agreed to fly but it had to be immediate, she didn’t want to waste any more time being a burden and of course, wanted out before she could let herself be talked out of it.

 

Erin grabbed her other two bags off the carousel, having not packed much, stopping to ship a bunch of non-essentials to the address they’d given her, at UPS that morning before her flight. That would arrive in about two to three weeks they said, so she only packed enough to get by until then. She slung her carry-on around her back and rolled the two larger suitcases behind her.

 

Scanning the small airport for a familiar face, she felt her heart ache in her chest as she remembered that this was a new start – a new adventure toward trying to get her life back on track. And that there would be no real friendly faces to greet her… not yet.

 

 _Dr. E. Gilbert_.

 

The sign in thick black marker caught her attention, held by a woman possibly just a few years older than Erin herself. Her skin was sun-kissed and her sea-green eyes sparkled behind round frameless glasses. Blonde hair was slightly peppered with gray around her roots and fell well past her shoulders, nearly to her elbows, dressed moderately for the California heat in a pair of off-white capris-pants and a soft blue sleeveless top with white seashells printed on it.

 

As Erin approached, a little timid at best, the woman noticed her, realizing who she was and beamed, eyes crinkling at the corners.

 

“You must be Dr. Gilbert! Oh it is such a work to finally meet you! I cannot wait to pleasure with you-” Erin choked on her own air intake at the rather forward woman, who instantly slapped her hand to her forehead and shook it wildly, laughing.

 

“Oh dear, my dyslexia has gotten worse in my old age, I fear – forgive me, I meant it’s a _pleasure_ to meet you and I cannot wait to _work_ with you!” the woman chuckled heartily. Erin, recovering from the woman’s blunder, shook her outstretched hand, pushing her sunglasses up, wincing slightly at the sunlight.

 

“I am – Dr. Gilbert. And you – ?” the woman dropped the sign beneath her arm and shook Erin’s hand, firm.

 

“Oh, silly me, I’m Dr. Beale! I wrote you the letter and we’ll be working side-by-side on research at the University!” Erin paused as the woman – Dr. Beale? – helped Erin to roll her bags outside and over to a red VW bug.

 

“You – _you’re_ Dr. Mike Beale?” Erin asked, confused at the woman – _Dr. Beale_ – who placed Erin’s things in the trunk and furrowed her brows at Erin’s question and then clarification set in.

 

“Oh! Oh dear – I swear I forget that people make that mistake! I am Dr. Beale, but my first name isn’t Mike – it’s pronounced Mee-kuh, I’m second generation German. But the German’s spell it like the short name for Michael here!” Erin nodded.

 

“Bet that helps in the science community?” Erin offered, climbing into the passenger side of the vehicle. Dr. Beale nodded with a sassy grin.

 

“I wanted so badly to change it growing up, but I found it a lot easier to get things done when I would email colleagues and they didn’t know who I am – only assuming that my name meant I was male, so it stuck,” she started the engine with a laugh. “That – and my wife won’t allow me to.” Erin noticed the thin white-gold band on Dr. Beale’s ring finger then, surprised she hadn’t before.

 

“So tell me a little bit about yourself, aside from public knowledge, I was surprised to come into work this morning and be told you’d be arriving in a few hours!” Dr. Beale queried.

 

“I found the decision wasn’t one I had to sit on,” Erin half-lied. She tried not to let it show that she was still feeling the effects of her arguments with Abby but Dr. Beale was an astute woman and after a few moments of silence, she continued on.

 

“Well, I’m very happy that you’re here. It may not be New York, but I have a feeling you’ll fit in just fine with our team, they’re all excited to meet the woman behind the mystery of the New York incident!”

 

“Is your wife on the team as well?” Erin asked, hoping to not delve into her memories of Ghostbusting – it may take some time. Erin kept her eyes trained on the world outside that passed them by. This was definitely _not_ New York.

 

Lines of palmetto trees lined the sidewalks and there were fewer and fewer buildings once they got out of San Francisco and onto the highway headed toward Palo Alto. The skies were much clearer here and there was more space than Erin ever recalled seeing, even when she lived in Michigan.

 

“Oh goodness no!” Dr. Beale snorted. “Annie _is_ a Professor at Stanford, but her expertise lies within the Art History department – a wonderful program, but I much prefer the science halls myself!”

 

“Of course,” Erin smiled, happy for a change in subject as they drove further down the road with soft instrumental music filling the silence between.

 

* * *

 

They arrived in Palo Alto less than a half-hour later and Erin took in the widespread campus while Dr. Beale gave her a mini-tour and spewed off little factoids and tidbits about the University that was founded back in 1891. Erin tried to ignore the pain in her heart as she thought of Patty who had insane amounts of knowledge about New York that she’d share with the team during busts – _Stop it, Erin!_

 

“Pardon?” Dr. Beale implored, parking in front of the campus residential housing where Erin would be staying, at least until she decided whether she wanted to move off campus or remain here, but it was free rent for now.

 

“Oh, nothing,” Erin blushed, not realizing she’d said that out loud, but Dr. Beale smiled kindly.

 

“I know that you’re going to need a little time to adjust, but I hope you’ll find that this can be just as much home as you found in New York – we have an amazing department, plenty of resources at our fingertips and I know you’re going to make this turn out even better…” they exited the car and Dr. Beale helped Erin carry her bags to the first floor of the apartment complex.

 

“I look forward to meeting them all – and working with you,” Erin said – grateful that she sounded a little sincere – despite the doubts plaguing her thoughts at the moment.

 

“Here we are, 23-A,” Dr. Beale unlocked the door with a silver key and then handed it to Erin, motioning for her to go in first.

 

The apartment was gradually larger than most that you’d find in New York – _that didn’t cost you a fortune_ , Erin mused as she crossed the foyer into the open living area where there was a brown suede couch pressed up against the back wall, with a Cherrywood coffee table in front of it and a matching bookshelf that was devoid of any books at the current moment.

 

The kitchen could be seen directly behind it over the half-wall where the light over the oven range hood was on. A table with four chairs sat in front of a sliding glass patio door that allowed plenty of natural light into the rooms and a hallway that led to the rest of the apartment to the right of the kitchen, just before the entrance.

 

“It’s not much, but it’s cozy. And fully furnished, too! California can be quite expensive so you’ll find that a lot of the staff tend to take Stanford up on the offer to stay here, my wife and I live just a few minutes off campus ourselves, but we both lived here our first three years,” Dr. Beale broke the silence, rolling Erin’s bags into the foyer.

 

“This will be just fine,” Erin nodded, feeling her insides tremble. Suddenly things seemed to be crashing down on her shoulders like the weight of the world and she wasn’t certain how much longer she could put up this façade of being excited to be here. Dr. Beale watched her for a moment, offering her another kind smile.

 

“Anyway, here is my direct cell,” she offered Erin her card. “My wife made some lasagna and left you some in the fridge so you have something to eat, there are some takeout menus in the cabinets beside the fridge but if you need _anything_ – whether it’s a good restaurant or just some extra things around the place until yours arrive, just give me a dial, okay? I’ll be here tomorrow to escort you around and we’ll meet the team!”

 

Erin nodded, not trusting herself to speak. A lump formed in her throat and she was not far from breaking down, so she kindly showed Dr. Beale the door and hoped that her smile seemed genuine. The woman left and Erin locked the deadbolt (out of habit) and fell against the door only a second later.

 

Her body shook with the force of the sobs that she’d been holding in since her confrontation with Abby. The deadly combination of her headache, the California sun, new beginnings, a kindness from a woman who helped her get settled without any question or want for anything in return, on top of everything that had transpired in the last twenty-four hours had finally caused something within her to break.

 

She was alone – _again_ and she had nobody else to blame for it but herself. She had turned off her cellphone hours ago and was not ready to turn it back on and hear the voicemails that she knew would be waiting for her from Patty and – _Holtz_.

 

She couldn’t breathe. Her chest heaved and she slid down to the floor, bringing her knees to her chest as her heart broke with every beat, little by little. The thought of Holtzmann and Patty and Hell _,_ even _Kevin_ , just made her sob harder as she tried to imagine them not hating her for leaving without saying goodbye.

 

Had she stuck around longer than she had, chances were she’d be back in New York right now, probably avoiding Abby, but maybe working through it – _No… she made herself clear, you weren’t needed nor wanted…_ But something told her that no matter what choices she’s made, she’d be certain this one would take a long time to feel justified.

 

Sobs wracked her thin frame, making her feel sick as she struggled to take in air and not choke on her tears. She hurt and she didn’t know what she could do to fix it because there was no magic button to press or silly wand to wave… How long would it take before she was able to breathe again?

 

_What have I done?_

 

(to be continued...)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry! :(


	3. Running In Circles (Coming Up Tails)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's Do the Time Warp Againnnnnn...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: so I was going to wait another day before posting this chapter because I like torturing you guys a little.. however, I just got accepted into an externship on top of being a full-time student so my updates may be a little bit spread after this but don't lose hope! It's only because I have to edit the story which is already complete... so STAY TUNED! And thanks to everyone who has read, left kudos and comments! I love y'all so much!

****It had been nine days since Erin had left the Ghostbusters, and the tension at the Firehouse was so thick that Patty could barely breathe without fearing she’d set off the temporary peace that settled between Abby and Holtzmann.

 

Holtz had immediately barricaded herself in her bedroom when they’d returned from the airport that day and refused to answer the door, plates of food that Patty had left would sit out overnight and Patty tried not to let it bother her about waste.

 

Abby made a snide comment that Patty shut down immediately and the researcher just went back to business as usual. When Holtzmann finally returned to the land of the living, Abby had scolded the blonde for leaving her and Patty – who argued to leave her out of this – to deal with all the busts.

 

Holtzmann yelled – _actually yelled_ – at Abby; it was nonsensical and was nothing more than actual yelling, no words involved, she just opened her mouth and yelled at top of her lungs right into the brunettes face, growing redder with the output, a small vein bulging at her temple, until her voice died and then turned on her heel and holed herself up in the lab where she’d been ever since.

 

Abby avoided the second floor, even camping out on the couch the first night downstairs and didn’t approach Holtzmann again.

 

Busts were called in; Patty would accompany Abby and then drag any of their busted equipment up to the lab for Holtzmann to fix. After the third bust without a working proton pack, Patty begged Holtzmann to fix Abby’s weapons before she was forced to deal with ghosts all alone.

 

Holtzmann did.

 

The lab was quiet though, there was no music and Patty couldn’t believe there’d ever be a day she’d miss Holtzmann randomly setting things on fire – even if she had done it mostly to elicit a response from Erin. There hadn’t been an explosion in over two weeks.

 

Kevin eventually noticed that something was up after three days of not seeing Erin at the Firehouse, Patty was grateful he did not question anyone over it. However, she noticed Kevin make out a ‘Get Well Soon’ card on construction paper from Erin’s desk and later watched in stunned horror as Abby shredded it with her own two hands after Kevin went home.

 

Abby did not meet the historian’s eyes or show a shred of remorse as she threw the pieces of paper into the trash bin beneath her own desk and sat back down to work. Patty lied this morning when Kevin asked and said that she’d left the card upstairs for Erin to see when she returned.

 

He thanked her with a smile like the golden retriever that he was and returned to building teepees out of unsharpened pencils.

 

They got a call and Abby’s eyes chanced a glance up at the lab that was forebodingly silent. Patty just handed her their packs and made her way to the ECTO-1, knowing Holtzmann was not going to be joining them on this bust either.

 

Upon their return – Abby had gotten slimed and Patty tried to not laugh at how it seemed that even the ghosts were angry with the Ghostbusters for not bringing Erin around to slime and needed a new target – Abby went upstairs to shower off and Patty headed to the lab to check up on Holtzmann.

 

“Holtzy,” she knew the blonde was here because of the acrid smell of burning metal ruminating throughout the lab. She rounded a containment unit and saw the engineer sitting Indian style on top of her workbench, her glasses mysteriously missing and flicking a blowtorch in her hand on and off, each time watching the blue flame appear and disappear with a soft ‘ _pffft._ ’

 

“Hey, we just got a class three specter, real nasty one, too – spewed all over Abby!” Patty took comfort in the slight twitch of the engineer’s lips as she continued to turn the blowtorch on and then off again. It was a start. “I was thinkin’… maybe next call you and I could go together? Abby could use a rest,” Holtzmann’s eyes hardened.

 

“Holtzy? You know I love you, but you can’t keep hiding up here forever. And you love kicking ghost butt! I think even the ghosts miss you, too,” Patty corrected herself. Holtzmann turned the blowtorch off and set it down in front of her and stared at it, saying nothing.

 

Patty approached the eerily quiet scientist.

 

“I miss her too, Holtzy, but baby, we still got jobs to do – no matter what happens, we can’t let this team fall apart, think of all the good we do,” she set a hand down on the engineers’ knee.

 

Grateful when the blonde didn’t jerk back, this was the closest anyone had gotten to her in days. She was also careful not to actually _say_ Erin’s name, knowing it was a trigger that could easily send Holtzmann back into her shell.

 

“I know you’re taking her leaving hard, believe me I do,” Holtzmann’s eyes finally raised to Patty’s and the older woman’s heart broke a little more when she saw the wounded cerulean orbs staring back at her. Questioning, hurt. “But this isn’t a healthy way to handle things… Life goes on baby; it doesn’t stop just because she’s not here.”

 

Holtzmann surprised the tall woman then, leaning forward and wrapping her into an awkward hug, leaning over her on the workbench, Patty held her tight and rubbed her back.

 

“We’re still a team, Holtz,” Patty squeezed her for emphasis.

 

“Family,” the younger woman croaked and Patty’s eyes stung.

 

“You’re right, baby. _Family_ ,” Patty squeezed her just a little tighter and felt, for the first time in many days, that things would start to be okay again. Someday.

 

* * *

 

“Everyone! Exciting news!” Dr. Beale – Mike, as she insisted Erin call her – announced to a team of three others standing in separate parts of a moderately sized Physics lab in the Stanford Research Institute or SRI.

 

“ _This_ is the empowering Dr. Erin Gilbert! She’s decided to join our ranks all the way from New York!” Erin smiled weakly. She had always been very self-conscious when first meeting new people.

 

After only a few – _three_ – hours of sleep at her apartment she awoke starving and dehydrated. The skies outside were just beginning to grow light with the oncoming day and it had taken her a few minutes to gather her wits about her and remember where she was and then also to remember that there was a lasagna waiting for her in the fridge. It had a sticky note on top of the container with neat script that read “ _For Dr. Gilbert I hope you don’t mind veggie lasagna! :)_ ”

 

She didn’t bother heating it up, just ate it right out of the container with a fork she found in the already stocked cabinets – it was delicious. Washing it down with two bottles of water before she realized that Dr. Beale would be there to get her in a while. She made her way into the bathroom and showered off the smell of airplane and regret, trying to make herself a little more presentable.

 

She had not yet had time to unpack so she grabbed the first matching outfit that she could find – a simple olive blouse and a pleated brown dress skirt with matching heels – and spent at least an hour in front of the mirror trying to erase the bags from under her eyes with concealer.

 

“Dr. Gilbert! An honor!” an Asian woman, much younger than herself and Mike, with rectangular glasses and an excited smile approached the duo first, her lab coat billowing out behind her small frame.

 

“This is Shannon Yoon, who is actually our intern and in her final year of her Master’s Program in Quantum Physics,” Mike introduced proudly as Shannon shook Erin’s hand eagerly.

 

“I based my thesis of Investigations in String Theory and Paranormal Matter on your book! You’re a personal hero of mine – as is Dr. Yates, too, of course!” Erin’s smile fell but she recovered quickly; straightening her shoulders and nodding with a tighter smile.

 

“I’ll be sure to pass that along. Thank you, Shannon,” Shannon beamed and whirled around to practically skip back to her station.

 

“And this is our resident Engineering expert, Dr. Harold Norris,” a middle-aged man with thinning dark hair and beady eyes shook her hand but did not try to make conversation, he merely turned around and headed back to his station.

 

“He’s a bit shy,” Mike said to Erin under her breath. “Also deaf in one ear so you have to speak a little loud to get his attention – he’s brilliant though! Oh, and last, but certainly not least, this is Dr. Charlotte Lincoln.”

 

A shorter, robust woman with iron-straight light brown hair pulled back into a tight bun that pulled her skin back around her brown eyes that were practically black with the amount of heavy eyeliner around them, nodded to Erin and shook her hand.

 

“Welcome to the team, Dr. Gilbert!” she said, respectfully. She had a gap between her two front teeth when she smiled.

 

“Dr. Lincoln transferred here from your Alma Mater three years ago,” Mike explained.

 

“Princeton?” Dr. Lincoln nodded.

 

“Yeah, the science department there isn’t what it used to be-” her words echoed somewhere deep in Erin’s memory and Erin returned her smile.

 

“So I’ve heard, it’s a pleasure to meet you,” Dr. Lincoln went back to her work though and Erin felt a little like the new kid in class, having been introduced, but not yet made any friends to feel comfortable around.

 

“They are all busy finishing up projects from the semester ending, next week we will all be collaborating on some of your research notes that I’ve studied and we’ll come up with a presentation for the Board of Directors, who fund our programs and then we’ll get started on our work!” Mike stated, enthusiastic.

 

Erin kept up her smile, but felt a little dejected at how out of place she felt, but this was new… Soon that would change, things around here would start to get a little bit more exciting and she’d be able to focus on getting her career back in order.

 

“C’mon, we’re meeting somebody for lunch who I think will help you feel a little less likely to crawl into a hole and regret your decision,” Mike joked but stunned Erin nonetheless with how well she seemed to read her.

 

They hopped in Mike’s red bug and drove for about ten minutes past the campus grounds and into town parking at hole-in-the-wall restaurant.

 

“Curry Up Now?” Erin read the bright sign hanging above the shopping center.

 

“I hope you don’t mind Indian? Annie’s been on a spice-kick lately – but we can go elsewhere,” Mike backtracked, honest. Erin shook her head.

 

“No, this is fine! I actually _do_ enjoy Indian cuisine,” she smiled and Mike beamed, gesturing for her to exit the bug, hopping out and Erin followed her through the door into the quaint little restaurant.

 

The smell of fried curry and chutney sauce greeted Erin’s senses and she felt her mouth water. It had been years since she’d enjoyed good Indian food and she was rightfully hungry. A young Hindu man in bright marigold shirt with matching pants greeted them.

 

“Mike!” he smiled and Mike kissed his cheek as he reached for her hands. “I was _just_ asking Annie where her better half was! Come, come!”

 

“Thank you Chili!” Mike and Erin followed him past the bar, through the restaurant that didn’t seem too busy, despite the early lunch rush.

 

A woman sitting down in a booth at the far end of the restaurant stood as they approached. Like Mike, she was about the same age as the two other women she greeted, but her hair was much darker than Mike’s or Erin’s, brown much like – _No, don’t think about them_ – and had eyes that upon double-checking, Erin swore were silver like the clouds right behind the sun.

 

She beamed and reached for Erin first, startling the physicist with a friendly hug that Erin found herself actually sinking into, feeling just a small sense of calm wash over her as she breathed in an earthy scent, much like the air right before a rainstorm.

 

“It is _such_ a pleasure to finally meet _the_ Dr. Erin Gilbert! Oh, Mike here has had nothing but positive things to say – I trust your flight was okay? Did you get my lasagna? I hope that you liked it – or that it wasn’t too spicy… I like to put these little red pepper flakes in it to give it a bit of a _kick_ ,” Annie spoke about a mile a minute and waved her hands with emphasis, but Erin smiled at the motherly affection that radiated from the woman in a burgundy shirt that was splattered with flecks of paint under coveralls that reminded Erin too much of someone she couldn’t bear to think of, a heavy Topaz necklace adorned her neck and she had several rings including one matching white-gold band to Mike’s own.

 

“Let her _breathe_ , Annie, my goodness! You’re going to scare my star away!” Mike joked and Annie rolled her eyes but a pink hue painted at her already rosy cheeks. She sat and Erin was surprised when Mike took the liberty to sit next to herself and not her wife.

 

“Forgive me, I get a little bit excited – my sister used to compare me to a Chihuahua,” Erin actually laughed with Annie at the confession.

 

“Oh, it’s fine – really.”

 

“Something to drink, ladies?” their waiter, a darker Indian man with longer black hair that was slicked back into a ponytail, and wearing similar attire to the host, but black instead of yellow, asked.

 

“Iced tea for me, please,” Mike asked.

 

“ _Unsweetened_ ,” Annie ordered and Mike scoffed.

 

“You always take away my sweets,” Mike pouted.

 

“Well, someone has to before you wind up a diabetic,” Annie winked over at Erin, letting her feel included in their banter and Erin shook her head, smile growing sincere. Annie was certainly charming.

 

“And you?” Erin blinked.

 

“Oh, I’ll have a water with some lemon on the side, please? And I’ll need milk with my meal,” Annie and Mike looked impressed.

 

Erin was no stranger to Indian food, many times when she and Abby were in college when Erin got sick of Chinese, she would take them both down to the local street-truck that had some of the best naan and chicken tikka masala, but she knew that without a dairy product to cool down the spices, she’d get ulcers that would plague her for weeks.

 

Abby, being the hotheaded stubborn ass that she’s always been, balked at Erin for being too “sissy” to handle a little spice and regretted her decision in a few hours when her Pork Vindaloo came back up with a vengeance. She missed the next two days of class as she spent them in their dorm bathroom trying to get it out of her.

 

Erin frowned as the pleasant memory of her friend began to darken with the more recent, darker ones and she was brought back to the present with the arrival of her water. Annie was looking at her with a friendly smile but also a hint of concern.

 

“I’m sorry – I seem to keep spacing out, I think it’s the time difference,” Erin fibbed with an apologetic smile.

 

“Mike tells me you left New York in quite the haste, are you doing all right with everything here?” Annie inquired, curious but not overly-so.

 

“Annie,” Mike warned, sipping her tea.

 

“What? I’m just making sure she feels all right – I know what it’s like to just uproot your life and try to start over,” Annie defended, hands up. “My father was a Marine, I went to six high schools before I graduated,” she explained to Erin.

 

“Well don’t interrogate my star,” Mike shook her head with a fond smile and turned to Erin. “Listen, Annie knows that I’m like a child with a puppy on Christmas and that it makes me lose sight of everything going on around me, but I meant what I said last night, if you need anything at all, you can talk to either one of us – or we can find someone for you to talk to if you don’t feel comfortable.”

 

“No, it’s – it’s okay, really. _I’m_ okay, or I will be – I just have a lot to process and sometimes it makes me a little distant, but I promise I’m ready to get to work,” Erin said honestly. And she was.

 

Annie and Mike both seemed to accept this answer with knowing, but genuine smiles and soon their waiter came back to order and Erin promised to keep focused on remaining in the present.

 

* * *

**_July_ **

 

Erin had gotten her bags last week and had finally unpacked most of her belongings around her apartment. She didn’t have much in the way of personal effects; she was a minimalist at heart – especially since most of her days like back in New York were spent living in her lab more than her actual apartment.

 

But she had the vase that had once been her grandmothers and she kept it stocked with a fresh bouquet of her favorite flowers – daisies – as often as she could. There was a wonderful market just around the corner specifically for the campus that she’d walked around and enjoyed getting to see what was nearby.

 

The bookshelf got put to good use with the large stack of physics texts and journals that she’d collected throughout the years, as well as many of her own notes that she’d taken down on ghosts since New York. An odd photo of her parents placed on the shelf along with her diplomas and some of her achievements in the science world. A framed photograph of her and Abby, Patty and Holtzmann remained face down in her underwear drawer for the time being – _Until I’m ready_.

 

Erin had gotten a new phone with a new number, but had still yet to turn her old one off permanently, it just sat in the drawer of her work desk in the bedroom turned off. She figured that maybe one day she’d have the nerve to turn it back on and maybe at that point, have the right words to say to the people who’d undoubtedly called and texted, looking for answers she had yet to understand herself.

 

* * *

**_August_ **

 

Erin had gotten into the swing of things at work, the research portion seemed a little tedious at first and boring because she had nothing to apply it to, but she enjoyed the campus life. She had finally managed to understand the general area and had even purchased a bicycle so as to be able to move around with more ease whenever she didn’t feel like calling up Annie or asking Mike for a ride into town.

 

Palo Alto had a certain appeal to it, in a retro desert/Western style. The roofs of all the buildings were made of red slate to offset the heat of the sun – which Erin was proud to have officially shed her Northern coat and has never been more tan. And the Farmers Market and history and culture behind every corner excited and thrilled her almost as much as it did to start writing out lesson plans for her upcoming semester.

 

She was excited to meet her new students, they school had already given her a roster with emails so she could send out lesson plans and her syllabus before her instruction time would begin. And she and Mike had begun studying the effects of radiation from a nearby power plant on the molecules of ectoplasm that Shannon had managed to recreate.

 

Things were going great, but as her fortieth birthday approached, as did the memories. Years of birthdays spent alone in her apartment or in a lab or just at work in general, after the first fallout with Abby she’d merely gotten a call from her parents but nobody else had remembered or cared. She knew that Abby’s birthday was only a few days after her own and she hated the doubt that had crept up in her mind as to whether she should try to make amends, but her stubbornness won out and she was sick and tired of crawling back to the person who had wrecked their friendship in the first place.

 

The closer it got, the more the memories took over – she found herself hearing Patty’s laugh in every passerby, glimpses of Abby around every corner and Holtz… She actually broke down in public in the center of the Stanford Shopping Center after a woman in a leather jacket had winked at her and Erin’s heart felt like it was breaking all over again.

 

She’d run all the way home in tears, not stopping until she was in bed and spent the rest of the afternoon ignoring everything. Later on, Annie and Mike throw Erin a surprise party, Mike even sets her up with an old colleague – Marsha? Mariah? – and Annie bakes her a wonderful cake and they celebrate with Erin’s favorite meal of salmon with shitake mushrooms, baked in a red wine sauce.

 

Her date is a little more forward than Erin cares to admit, after all the physicist had known she was bisexual but had never been with a woman before and Mary… or was it Maggie? Was all too eager to keep filling Erin’s wine glass and throw her salacious winks before offering to take her home.

 

Erin was grateful when the combination of cake and wine came back up and made her sick, giving her an excuse to bail.

 

* * *

**_September_ **

 

Erin had a routine.

 

 _6:45AM_ Alarm. Start coffee.

 

 _7:20AM_ Be out of the shower and getting dressed.

 

 _7:40AM_ Final check of clothes, hair, makeup. Grab coffee, granola bar and banana/other fruit and get out the door.

 

Arrive by _7:55AM_ and park bike. Check hair.

 

 _8:10AM_ Students begin filing in

 

 _8:30AM_ First Class begins.

 

 _11AM_ First Class breaks.

_11-1:00PM_ Take lunch with Mike (with or without Annie depending on the day) and check with Shannon on research analyses.

 

 _1:10PM_ Second Class begins.

 

 _3:40PM_ Second Class breaks.

 

 _4PM_ Grab quick bite to eat on the way to the Lab.

 

NLT _8PM_ Go Home. Pick outfit for next day. Cook dinner. Maybe read and go to bed.

 

On weekends this would defer to Saturdays spent in the lab with either Shannon or Charlotte trying to equate formulas for their latest designs in capturing and studying paranormal entities without having to keep them contained. A malevolence detector. Or just some crazed idea that Erin sometimes swore she channeled from Holtzmann.

 

Repeat.

 

* * *

**_October_ **

 

Erin was finally feeling the familiar cool air of autumn seep in after a long and very hot summer.

 

She upgraded to long-sleeves once more and would occasionally deviate from biking to work in favor of walking, taking the time to enjoy the season change, and stopping to enjoy a scone from her favorite café, paired with her favorite Fall drink of hot apple cider.

 

Most days when she didn’t have to be in the lab, she’d walk to the same café and sit outside, allowing a cool breeze to whip through her auburn locks – it was getting long and she would need to maybe cut it soon – and she’d just sit and write in her journal, whether it be for science, or for memories that would plague her late at night, but she’d do so with a smile as the warmth of the sun would kiss her cheeks.

 

Her classes were going well, she loved her students and they respected her position and some of them even looked to her as a bit of a celebrity, having heard about the Rowan incident and would sometimes ask her questions about the paranormal in which she was all too happy to oblige. But sometimes they’d get personal and those questions – _why’d you leave the Ghostbusters? – Are you ever going to go back? – Is Dr. Holtzmann really as crazy as the news portrays her?_ – would sometimes have Erin’s heart clench and cause her to shut down or even just dismiss them without homework – just so they wouldn’t ask her anything else.

 

Shannon was almost as eager, if not more, than her students to know all about the Ghostbusters and would sometimes mention them in passing during their shared time at the lab, whenever Erin would come up with a new idea or formula and Shannon would sit and just stare with “heart-eyes” as Patty once lovingly referred to them on Erin, when she’d be caught staring at Kev – later Holtz – _no_.

 

At Halloween, Erin found out that ghosts actually _did_ seem to haunt the Golden State, just maybe not as frequently as New York.

 

She had been digging around for an outfit to attend Mike and Annie’s Halloween bash and Annie forewarned her that Mike was inviting another one of their single friends to _‘accompany’_ her – “ _Vee is a sweetheart, yes she’s single but there’s no pressure. We both just figured you two could come together, that way you don’t feel like a third wheel with all of us old maids here._ ” – she came across something in her drawer that most certainly wasn’t hers.

 

Her own personal ghost – one of a beautiful engineer who had relentless curls and a thing for yellow eyewear – stared back at her in the form of a teal crop top that had the sleeves cut out of them and in maroon baseball font written along the chest was the slogan _One of the Boys_.

 

She had not remembered packing such an article and cannot imagine how months had passed by without her seeing it, but as she picked up the article with delicate hands – like one would handle a piece of Plutonium – Erin caught a whiff of burnt metal and cinnamon and machine oil and tears pricked her eyes for the first time in several weeks as she glanced up into the mirror and her breath caught in her throat. There in the mirror standing beside her, she swore was the silhouette of Holtzmann, grinning at her with that lopsided smile, glasses perched halfway up her nose, hair wild and a cheeky wink, she waved and did a little jig like she had the first time Holtz had ever danced for her.

 

The first tear fell, followed by another and she turned, seeing nothing but her bedroom and blinked. She looked back down to the beloved article of clothing – she wondered how she missed it and whether Holtz had noticed it’s absence. She knew the difference between a ghost and a memory – but it felt just the same in this case.

 

A ghost of her past.

 

She was late to the party.

 

(to be continued...)


	4. Nobody Said It Was Easy (It's Such A Shame For Us To Part)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Ghostbusters are No-Busters...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo yeah, I'm horrible about waiting to update so enjoy this - though I seriously doubt you will...

**_November_ **

“Yeahhhhh baby! _Come to Mama_!” Holtzmann’s eyes were wild behind her yellow goggles and she whooped maniacally at the class four specter that was currently ripping apart the church innards where a Funeral Service had been taking place before. The lights had gone out and the doors had frozen solid, trapping most of the family and friends inside.

 

The specter was clearly malevolent and in no mood to talk, opting instead for causing havoc with high wind gusts and now, bolts of lightning.

 

Abby had been slimed – _twice_ – already and was fumbling with her Ghostpuncher (patent still pending) while Patty and Holtz attempted to wrangle the ghost with their proton packs, but had violently turned the room into an indoor flying tunnel.

 

Flowers, vases of flowers and bibles from the backs of pews swirled around the room dangerously and Patty ducked behind a bolted down pew to avoid being struck by a ring of white and red roses.

 

“This is SO disrespectful!” Patty shouted over the howling winds as the ghost began throwing thunderbolts like a Greek God, striking the center of the pew Patty hid behind. “Aw _Hell_ naw.” Patty jumped up and cast a stream from her proton pack in retaliation while Holtzmann just laughed and with a feral grin, grabbed one of her latest toys.

 

“ _Holtz!_ Don’t piss off the ghost!” Patty shouted over the howling winds. Holtzmann loaded up the crossbow with the nuclear-tipped arrow that would strike ectoplasmic matter that the ghosts were made of and immediately incinerate them.

 

“Pats, I need you to distract it while I get the trap to sit still underneath without being tossed around!” Holtzmann shouted, firing the arrow and hitting the ghost but instead of ripping it apart, it’s arm was now missing and it howled with a thunder-like boom throughout the church and the winds picked up.

 

“You are one crazy motherfucker, Holtzmann!” Patty yelped as she watched Holtzmann toss the crossbow to the side and duck under a pew to avoid being struck.

 

“Thanks!” Holtzmann laughed and then began to army low-crawl toward the base of the twister where the ghost was most likely to be captures, ghost trap in hand.

 

“ _Distract the ghost_ , how the Hell? What did you think I _was_ doing, certainly not getting my nails done!” the woman growled and shouted back over the sound of the storm as another thunderbolt cracked through the room and Abby slipped in fear in the goop that covered her and let out a loud “shit!”

 

“Hey! Hey ghost! Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you, asshole!” The ghost heard Patty and grunted, turning it’s cold, lifeless eyes toward her.

 

“You want summa this?! Come get it!” Patty charged her proton pack and the ghost gritted its fangs at her and the wind died down just a smidge as it leapt for her… just in time to meet the hot end of her laser, with Holtzmann wrangling it from behind.

 

“ _YEEHAW!_ Get it, Patty-cakes!” Holtzmann chortled as she kept the proton beams steady and the beast slowly got sucked into the trap, Holtzmann’s boot slamming down on the trigger in a bright flash of blue light.

 

The room settled, a few loose leafs of debris cascaded down from midair. The church was practically in shambles and the Mayor wasn’t going be happy about it, but they caught the damn ghost. Patty and Holtzmann shared a knowing look and then laughed.

 

“B-B-Bustin’ makes me _feel good!_ ” Holtzmann sang, riffing the catchy beat on her proton wand like an air guitar. Some fancy boy-band had remixed a classic and turned it into the Ghostbusters’ theme song that was surprisingly on the top charts three weeks running. Holtzmann had loved it, she got a personal autographed copy from the band members and played the track sometimes when she messed around in her lab – not a lot, and the explosions were still minimal – but she was getting back to her old self, the whole team was, with one exception.

 

“ _Jiminy Cricket!_ Can’t those damn things stop using me as their ectoplasm target?!” Abby wiped the plasma off of her glasses, squinting to try and see if they were any better – they weren’t – and shook her head. “I swear, I’m so sick and tired of this – if Erin were here-”

 

Patty slapped her hand to her forehead and didn’t have to look up to know that the breathy sound that got caught in midair had come from Holtz. Who was still not fully over it and hearing _her_ name was definitely still a no-no.

 

“Abby! C’mon man – you know better!” Patty snapped. Abby, already pissed, rounded on the historian with fire in her eyes.

 

“Seriously?! It’s been _months_ , we need to stop pretending that she’s coming back and just face the facts: _she’s gone!_ She’s not coming back and if I can’t say her name because I want to curse her existence then _screw_ _you_ _guys_!”

 

“Well, if it hadn’t been for you, maybe she wouldn’t have left in the first place!” Patty was normally the voice of reason, the level-headed one of the team now since Erin had left, but even she had her off days. And she sure as shit wasn’t about to let Abby mess up what had slowly started to mend.

 

“ _Me_?! Are you _kidding_!? Erin-!”

 

“ ** _SHUT UP!_** ”

 

Patty and Abby’s jaws snapped shut and their eyes rounded to the foot of the mezzanine where Holtzmann stepped down, her face no longer showing a shred of the joy that had been painted across it moments ago, no – this Holtzmann was a stranger with the livid rage bubbling just above the surface.

 

Eyes hard and face set in a scowl, the blonde approached the pair, stepping over the garbage left in their wake, ghost trap steaming from one hand.

 

“I don’t ever want to hear you say her name again,” Holtzmann’s voice was low, like a growl. Dangerous.

 

“Holtz-” Abby rolled her eyes.

 

Holtzmann smashed the very real, very radioactive ghost trap down at Abby’s feet, teeth bared in anger and letting out a howl.

 

“ ** _NO!_** ”

 

The trap immediately broke upon impact and light flashed and Abby and Patty stared on in horror as Holtz did nothing, showed no signs of remorse as the ghost they’d just spent the last hour trying to wrangle flew _free_ and right through the roof of the church, leaving a gaping hole of plaster and insulation.

 

“ _Holtzmann!_ ” Abby shrieked. “Have you completely lost your mind?! That ghost could go anywhere now and do unspeakable harm!”

 

“Never. Say. Her. Name. _Again_.” Holtzmann warned, stepping closer with every word, eyes still trained on Abby, her body steeping in rage.

 

“I guess it’s all _my_ fault then, huh? You think that you’re the _only_ person who she left, Holtzmann?!” Abby fumed. “She left _all of us_ , and she didn’t do it just because I said those things – she left because she _had a choice!_ And she chose something ELSE!”

 

“Abby-” Patty stepped in with a warning in her tone.

 

“No!” Abby shot out. “No! Do you both think I’m _stupid_?! You both think that I don’t blame myself every single day for Erin leaving-!?”

 

“DON’T SAY-”

 

“ _SHE LEFT YOU, TOO, HOLTZMANN!_ ” Abby roared. Patty felt her own breath catch this time as she watched the delicate pieces of Holtzmann that they’d been trying to put back together for the last five months – fall back apart in one simple moment.

 

A grim silence fell over the three women and Patty watched, unbreathing as Holtzmann slowly reached up and Abby flinched. They both thought that Holtzmann might seriously strike her. But what she did was even worse, she unlatched the belt of her proton back, shucked it from her shoulders letting it fall with an undignified ‘ _clang_ ’ and then reached up to her right sleeve where the embroidered patch of a ghost inside of a _no-entry_ sign was sewn and ripped it clean off of her jumpsuit, tossing it down to the ground at Abby’s feet.

 

“I’m done,” Holtzmann’s voice was strained, but steady. And she stepped once more toward Abby, who found even in her shock, the ability to move swiftly out of the engineer’s way, and exited the building.

 

“Holtzy,” Patty choked.

_This ain’t happening…_ The doors to the church shut behind her and left them with a stunned air of silence.

 

“Abby…” Patty was lost. First Erin – but Holtz? No. Abby shook her head and Patty witnessed what had to be the woman’s first real tear since Erin had left. The shorter woman sniffled and then grimaced, obviously getting a little ectoplasm up the nose.

 

“I can’t – I can’t fix it… seems I’m destined for people who just wanna leave,” Abby choked out as she bent down, her suit making a disgusting _squelching_ noise as she picked up Holtzmann’s patch.

 

“I know that we’ve placed a lot of the blame on you, Abs… and it’s not fair – but you,” Patty sighed, shaking her head. Abby looked up, eyes filled with tears that just wouldn’t stop flowing, nodded and stood, turning on her heel slowly and heading for the exit, this felt like the end. Patty watched in horror as the final member of her team – no her _family_ walked away.

 

“You really have to think about what you say, Abby – before you lose everything that you love,” Patty’s voice rang out in the silent church and Abby paused.

 

“I already have,” Abby said grimly. Continuing her trek out of the church, leaving Patty all alone.

 

She glanced around the church once more, from the broken containment unit, to Holtzmann’s proton pack to the mess that the ghost had made in the roof, to the giant wooden cross at the head of the church.

 

“I know your testing me,” Patty spoke solemnly. “But I could sure as _Hell_ use a break right about now.” And she grabbed the extra proton pack and made her way out of the church after Abby, trying to think of something, _anything_ she could possibly do to fix this.

 

* * *

 

A week has passed since the bust. Patty sat alone in the Ghostbusters HQ, Abby had taken off shortly after returning and packing a bag, wanting to get some space between herself and the mess she made. Patty let her go but made Abby promise not to do anything crazy.

 

She’d had the phones turned off and the newspapers were going insane with the rumors of what could have possibly happened to make the Ghostbusters stop helping them. Ghosts still plagued parts of New York but Patty only could take so much with only two working proton backs and a glitching containment unit that kept sending out weird colored sparks, keeping her on edge.

 

Kevin had suited up to help but only managed to get a severe concussion. He’d be out for a few more days, so now she was left trying to use what little resources she had left to find out where Holtzmann had disappeared to.

 

Her cell had been off for days and since it was such an old phone, Patty couldn’t even get a track on where it’s last signal was. Holtzmann’s studio had been given up shortly after they’d gotten the Firehouse – she had no living relatives to speak of since both of her parents were dead and Patty was running out of options in a city as large as New York (92,781.16 square miles to be exact).

 

She began calling homeless shelters and filed a police report after 48 hours, but the police had a lot of missing people and unless Holtzmann was in actual danger, they couldn’t guarantee a hasty search for their friend.

 

“Does _nobody_ care that we saved New York? Damn!” Patty slammed her phone down. “I swear if something like Rowan ever happens again, I’m just gonna move to Jersey and say fuck this… let the cops handle _that_ and then see who helps who!”

 

As if on cue, her cell lit up with an unknown number from Boston. Her eyebrows furrowed.

 

“Hello?” she answered the phone, not really sure if she knew anybody in Massachusetts.

 

“ _Hello, Patricia?_ ” a familiar voice came over the line that Patty couldn’t quite put a face to.

 

“This is she – who’s askin’?”

 

“ _This is Dr. Rebecca Gorin, I came to visit Jillian last summer?_ ” it clicked. Dark auburn hair, Buddy Holly frames and a stern face. Scary.

 

“Oh, hey! Yeah, listen – Holtzy isn’t here at the moment she’s-”

 

“ _I know that, it’s the reason I am calling… she’s been sleeping on my couch since Sunday night and I’m a little worried – I’ve tried calling all three of you, Dr. Gilbert had been my first choice but her phone is off-_ ”

 

“Dr. Gilbert left six months ago… it’s – been really hard on us,” Patty admitted, glancing around the dimly lit Firehouse that was too quiet and held too many happy memories that were now stained. Although she wasn’t certain why she’d tell the woman who was practically a stranger and frankly, scared her even more than Holtzmann did. A hum came through the line.

 

“ _That makes sense – I knew that Jillian had feelings for her, I’m sorry that she isn’t there… I must implore though that I cannot allow Jillian to remain here and I would like for someone to come and bring her home – I think that’s where she’ll be better off,_ ” Dr. Gorin explained with her normal air of exasperation.

 

“Yeah – just send me your address and I’ll be up there ASAP,” Patty agreed with a breath of relief. Hope swelled within her at the thought of getting Holtzy back.

 

“ _Ugh, you kids’ and this texting nonsense, do you have a pen you can just write it down?_ ” Dr. Gorin snipped.

 

Patty rolled her eyes and took down the address, it was about a four-hour drive, give or take.

 

 _I’m comin’ Holtzy, and then when I’m done smackin’ some sense into you, we’re getting Abby and Erin back, too_ … Plan in hand, Patty dialed up her cousin Janae, who owed her a favor and would borrow her car which was a lot more economical than the ECTO-1.

 

* * *

 

“Jillian, I’m off to work – your friend Patricia will be here in a few hours so I would hope you’ll shower and at least be presentable before getting in the car with her-” Dr. Gorin sighed, pulling on her overcoat.

 

“Why can’t I just stay with you? I can pay you rent-” Holtzmann offered, a little put-out by the fact that her mentor and practically the woman who’d raised her out of foster care, was kicking her out when she desperately needed her.

 

“I’m in the middle of preparing for a conference in Geneva, you know – with _CERN_?” Dr. Gorin stared pointedly over the rim of her glasses and Holtzmann rolled her eyes.

 

“They _still_ won’t let me see him…” she referred to the man who’d been hurt in the lab incident that cost her admittance into the European Organization for Nuclear Research.

 

“Besides the point – I won’t be able to be here and my landlord already has another couple renting this home out once I’m gone and since the accident we both know you cannot come back with me to Switzerland for the time being-”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I get it,” Holtzmann sat up, shoulders hunched over, dejected.

 

Dr. Gorin watched Holtzmann for a moment and then pinched the bridge of her nose. She’d never been a person that could comfort others well, she did what she could to help Holtzmann on her path into the scientific community, but when it came to emotions – Dr. Gorin lacked the maternal instinct.

 

She did however, step out of the doorway and sat down next to her mentee on the sofa, reaching out a hand before thinking twice and then setting said digit back in her lap awkwardly. Holtzmann eyed her with slight suspicion, aware of Dr. Gorin’s inability to be _emotional_.

 

“Jillian, whatever is happening right now – it sounds to me like you need to stop running from it and just face it head on. A good scientist always -”

 

“Gets the facts and then works to substitute it into a hypothesis before coming to a conclusion,” Holtzmann completed her sentences, having heard the quote numerous times in her youth from the older woman.

 

Dr. Gorin stared at her with a proud smile, but it didn’t quite meet her eyes.

 

“I heard about Dr. Gilbert-” Holtzmann’s eyes snapped up to her mentors with a steely gaze.

 

“Don’t,” Holtzmann shook her head, voice pleading. She had _just_ stopped crying.

 

“From the facts that I’ve gathered – Dr. Gilbert was quite fond of you,” she pushed, despite Holtzmann’s warning and Holtzmann swallowed the lump in her throat.

 

“Not enough,” the blonde choked out, feeling the lump rise and her eyes sting again. Abby’s words ringing in her head about Erin leaving them and her chest tightened painfully.

 

“Well, maybe you should ask her then,” Dr. Gorin’s voice broke through her reverie and Holtz blinked the tears away.

 

“She’s across the country and she shut off her phone,” Dr. Gorin’s hand came up and slapped the backside of Holtzmann’s head, much like she had many a time when the engineer was younger and had been outlandishly foolish.

 

“That’s a cop out, Jillian and it won’t work on me – we’re _scientists_ , when we cannot find the truth right away, we seek it out,” Dr. Gorin stood and looked down at Holtz who suddenly felt sixteen again.

 

“You _know_ how to find her – but you need to ask the real question; why _haven’t_ you yet?” and with that, Dr. Gorin left Holtzmann to stew in her thoughts as she called out a reminder to get a shower over her shoulder before she left the house for work.

 

* * *

 

Patty arrived at the Cape Cod style home at 3113 Mulberry Lane, it was a quaint little two-story, painted light blue with a stone walk-way and fresh greed sod laid out on the front lawn, strewn with a few of the leaves that had fallen over from the neighboring Maples.

 

She put her cousin’s KIA in park and cut the engine, Dr. Gorin had sent her an email telling her that Holtzmann would be ready and waiting for Patty to pick her up at the time she’d estimated getting there.  Exiting the car and walking up the drive she admired the small garden gnomes that reminded her of her Gram’s old garden in Queens growing up.

 

Just as she raised her fist to knock, the door opened and a tired, but obviously clean (her hair was still wet from the shower she’d forced herself to take) Holtzmann stood in an olive crop top, black leggings and her favorite soft leather jacket, boots and glasses on fleek, her military-grade duffel thrown over her shoulder.

 

“Hey,” Patty offered, Holtzmann rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet, unable to meet the older womans’ eyes.

 

“Do you think we could grab something to eat? Rebecca doesn’t keep anything but healthy shit here,” Holtzmann finally spoke and Patty smiled at catching a glimpse of _her_ Holtzy again.

 

“We can do that, c’mon crazy girl,” Patty threw an arm around Holtzmann’s shoulders and walked them over to the blue Rio, throwing the duffel in the backseat.

 

* * *

 

“So Abby’s going to anger management?” Holtzmann snorted into her Mountain Dew as she tore through her subway sandwich and chips and sat across from Patty while she ate her own sub at a more leisured pace.

 

“ _Therapy_ ,” Patty corrected. “I told her that some serious changes need to be made if we wanna keep this team together…” Holtzmann sighed, setting her drink down and tossing her arms back over the seat of their booth.

 

“I don’t know, Pats,” Holtzmann stared at the crumbs and balled up sandwich wrapper in front of her. “Abby crossed a line-”

 

“We _all_ have, Holtzy,” Patty set her sandwich down and released a breath through her nose. “Listen, I know that you don’t have a lot of experiences with family and I’m not sayin’ that to be mean – just bein’ honest,” Holtzmann offered her a cursory two-fingered salute in acknowledgement.

 

“But Abby and Erin… man – it’s like you said before; _we’re family_ and I come from a damn big one and I know that families sometimes fight… But the fact is that we still stick together, even when the bad gets to worse,” Holtzmann met Patty’s eyes, giving her her undivided attention.

 

“We’ve made mistakes, yes – We fight, we cry, we laugh it off at the end of the day and pull a fast one over on each other the very next day, but we _stick_ together because _that’s_ what families do, and I’m not here to blow smoke up your ass about forgiveness and blah, blah, but dammit Holtzy, when you made that speech after Rowan in New York you made me see that you may be crazy as a bag of cats – but you’re _my_ crazy little sister and I got you.” Holtzmann felt tears forming and she blinked them away, sniffling and tearing at a napkin.

 

“I know that I can rely on you or Abby at the end of the day, to have my back when we’re about to get our asses kicked by a spook,” Patty sighed.

 

Tears fell, but for the first time in a week, they weren’t sad.

 

“Abby and I had this discussion and she’s on board with it – that’s why she is gonna see a therapist and work on it and she’s gonna apologize to you, too but I’ve thought ahead for that and that’ll come once we get our last family member back,” Patty took a sip of her cola.

 

“What?” Holtzmann asked with rapt attention.

 

“I mean that Dr. Gorin and I have scraped together money to buy you an open-ended ticket to California - ” Holtzmann panicked. “ _Listen_ to me Holtzy, eyes here!” she motioned with her hands and grabbed one of Holtz’ wrists with the other to keep the woman from bolting.

 

“You are gonna go and bring Erin home,” Patty said firmly.

 

“What?” Holtzmann parroted, voice feeling like it was stuck to the roof of her mouth. She sucked down more of her drink to unstick it. “Shouldn’t Abby be the one to go? I mean -”

 

“Holtzy, I love you, girl – but I’d bet my life savings that Erin loves you more than any of us combined… and I think that it’s gonna take someone who loves her just as much to bring her back where she belongs, and am I wrong to think that would be you?”

 

Holtzmann blinked but said nothing, heart hammering against her ribs painfully.

 

“Your flight is in three hours, so you’ll have time to mull it over anyway,” Patty waved her on and Holtzmann’s eyes widened as the darker woman continued eating her sandwich like she hadn’t just explicitly told Holtz that she was about to fly 3,000 miles across the country to bring back their friend.

 

(to be continued...)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just keep swimming... just keep swimming... right to the review box...! :3


	5. I Had To Find You (Tell You I Need You)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtzmann and Erin are in the same time zone again.

“So then we baste the _tofurkey_ – and I swear if I find the moron who gave it that name I’ll… Erin? Are you still with me?” Mike poked the cheek of her obviously distant cohort who sat across from her at their usual spot outside of the little café on campus, enjoying a coffee – _cider_ in Erin’s case – over their lunch break.

 

“Hm?” Erin blinked, then swatted the hand away. “I’m sorry, what were you saying?” Mike rolled her eyes affectionately.

 

“I was explaining the importance of using non-flavored lubricants for anal intercourse,” Mike answered and waited for the desired spit-take effect that Erin promptly delivered. Mike chuckled and Erin’s face went scarlet.

 

“O-oh, I-” Erin’s stammered, then narrowed her eyes as Mike began to laugh harder. “You’re making fun of me.” Mike held her hands up in guilt and finished off her latte.

 

“I’m beginning to see why all those blind dates Annie and I’ve set you up on haven’t led to more than one,” Mike smirked.

 

“They weren’t exactly _great_ -” Erin defended.

 

“They’re just not _her_ , am I right?” Mike’s eyes twinkled behind her glasses.

 

“Her?” Erin was confused. Her traitorous mind though immediately saw blonde hair and yellow glasses and the ghost scent of burnt metal passed her nose and she shook her head of the memories.

 

“There – just then, whenever you seem to come across some sort of topic, I’ve yet to nail down, _you_ suddenly think of something, or _someone_ I should say… and I lose you for a minute or two,” Mike’s eyebrows raised in challenge. Erin sagged in defeat.

 

“You’re not wrong,” Mike smiled. “But you’re not right, either.” Mike’s smile fell and she looked ready to argue.

 

“There is no _her_ to speak of… at least – not really,” Erin sighed and finished her drink, playing with the cup in her hands, eyeing it instead of meeting her colleagues’ quizzical stare.

 

“Was it Abby?” Erin flinched at the name and Mike grew even more curious. “You two were friends for so long – from what I recalled. And yet you left New York behind and you’ve never spoken of it – or her or the others… Patsy or Holtz-something?”

 

“Patty and Holtzmann,” Erin’s voice lodged on the names. She blinked. “I don’t suppose that it would surprise you to know that I don’t speak of them because it just hurts too much?” Mike shrugged in nonchalance. “I left them behind because it was a choice given to me and I took it, I didn’t stick around to think about the consequences, I just – _left_.”

 

Silence followed and Mike sat back in her chair, studying Erin much like she had since they first met. Erin sighed and stood, ready to head back early and maybe get some work done but Mike grabbed for her wrist.

 

“No, no, I think this is something that needs to be discussed, please sit down,” she requested. Erin obliged her and sat back down.

 

“Tell me everything – leave out nothing, I need all of the facts if I’m going to be able to understand correctly,” Mike explained.

 

“There’s no time – my class…”

 

“Can wait a few extra minutes, and we still have at least forty minutes, so tick-tock, Erin, tell me what’s wrong,” Mike looked like she wouldn’t take no for an answer. And Erin – well she was tired of having nobody around who understood her, on an emotional level as well as well as a scientific one.

 

“I guess I can start with the day I found out about the book going back online-”

 

* * *

 

“ _Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of United Airlines Flight 6421 from New York to San Jose, we would just like to thank you once again for flying with us, the Captain has now turned the fasten seatbelt sign on and our cabin crews have swept the aisles as we prepare for landing – the current time is eleven-forty-two AM, Pacific. The temperature is currently sixty-four degrees Fahrenheit…_ ”

 

Holtzmann ignored the rest of the schpeal from the airline attendants and closed her eyes, ignoring the snoozing soccer Dad beside her who’d tried three times to use Holtzmann’s shoulder as a faux pillow before she managed to shock him with a conduit that she’d snuck on board in her hair before pretending to sleep herself as to not cause suspicion. Outside the skies were fighting to stay clear against the cumulonimbus and stratus that clogged the atmosphere from pollution.

 

The flight had been jerky and Holtzmann was still a little miffed at having so little time to prepare, only taking her duffel that she’d packed to go to Rebecca’s. But she took most of the time to strategize how she would approach Erin and even more – how to talk her into coming back home without getting her heart broken.

 

San Jose Airport was small, it took only ten minutes for Holtzmann to navigate her way to the luggage claim and then hail a taxi.

 

“Where to?”

 

“Stanford campus,” Holtzmann answered robotically.

 

“That’s a pretty big area, lady – you got a specific address?” the cabbie admonished. Holtzmann just shrugged and he started to drive, muttering something about tips and rude passengers.

 

Outside, Holtzmann watched the world around her pass by in a haze of carpool lanes and California palmettos. The air was cool, but there was a dampness to it that was different from New York’s grunge atmosphere, the smell was noticeably different as well. The traffic was surprisingly light and Holtzmann was out of the cab within twenty minutes, standing in front of the main hall of Stanford University campus.

 

The cabbie was right; it was huge, a lot more than she’d expected and she had yet to really figure out where on Earth to start looking for Erin, but she figured the science department was probably best, so she made her way over to the main building, hoping to find someone who could direct her.

 

* * *

 

“That is certainly a handful,” Mike whistled low as Erin finished her story, having ordered them both another drink.

 

“Yeah, and I don’t know what to do – every time I feel that I’m finally in the right place, doing the _right_ thing, something makes me think otherwise…” Erin pinched the bridge of her nose. Mike watched her in silence.

 

“I just – I think I really broke something back there and this time, not just with Abby, that’s probably the worst but still – I can’t imagine Patty or – or-”

 

“Jillian?”

 

“Holtzmann,” Erin corrected, automatic. “She always hated being called Jillian – something about it sounding too girly around her classmates at M.I.T.” Erin smiled fondly in memory.

 

“You know, Erin – a wise person once said that it takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart,” Mike explained, wisely. Erin’s eyebrows furrowed.

 

“Did you seriously just quote _Hunger Games_ to me?” surprised that she remembered that movie. It had been another of Holtzmann’s favorites – “ _Dystopian universe where kids are forced by their government to battle to the death? Then they fight against the system! What’s not to love?!_ ” – Holtzmann’s voice rang clear in her head and Erin shook it.

 

“Well, it’s true – you’re not yourself here and I don’t think that even if you went back to New York you’d be that person either,” Mike shrugged.

 

“So then what do you suggest? Oh wise ruler?” Erin smirked, trying to keep her tone light, despite the heaviness of the discussion.

 

“I suggest that you try to figure out who you are first – before you go trying to fix the person that everyone else saw you as,” Mike said, seriously. “Who are you, Erin Gilbert? Are you a scientist? A ghostbuster? Or someone completely different?” Erin blinked.

 

She’d never seen herself as more than what others wanted her to be? That wasn’t always true. She loved science, she loved her work… she had even loved busting ghosts – but, _is that all that I am?_

 

“Welcome to having a midlife crisis, dear,” Mike smiled, patting Erin’s arm with a gentle smile. Erin’s eyes widened.

 

“If I’m not who I’ve thought I was -” Erin’s voice died in panic. “How-? What?”

 

Mike chuckled.

 

“You did say I was wise – look, how about you take the rest of the day and I’ll look over your class? You look like you could use a break-” Erin shook her head.

 

“N-no, Mike no, you don’t have to-”

 

“Erin, I insist,” Mike challenged. “And I’m your boss, so – you kinda have to listen to me anyway – go _home_.” Erin’s eyes stung.

 

“Where is that even?” she mumbled, finishing her drink. Mike smiled down at her apathetic.

 

“Exactly.”

 

* * *

 

Holtzmann had found a gangly law student who helped her find the science department and then told her that it was unlikely that she’d find anyone really at the moment since it was the lunch hour and that most Professors head down to the café block where there were cheap lunches and such. Holtzmann thanked the kid and headed on her way toward the area in which he’d directed and hoped to find what she was looking for.

 

With each step that she came closer to the streets that lined the campus shopping center, she felt her feet grow heavier, like her boots had suddenly been weighted down with lead and her chest began to tighten as her breathing became uneven.

 

_I can do this… I can face Erin and tell her that we want her back – she’ll want to come back… I know she will… but what if she doesn’t?_

 

Suddenly every head of hair was auburn, every face had laugh lines and stormy, ocean-blue eyes that crinkled with mirth. Every tweed jacket that passed had her scrambling to see if they were accompanied by tiny bowties.

 

Holtzmann spun on the spot, trying to gather her bearings, hearing Erin’s laughter surround her, her chest heaved and she felt like she might be sick, but then the laughter didn’t stop and it sounded clear as bells, clearing through the fog in her head.

 

Her eyes looked up beyond her yellow glasses and her breathing fell short; there she was.

* * *

 

 

“Do you need me to take you home?” Mike asked, placing a kind hand on Erin’s arm, unaware of the watchful gaze on the two of them.

 

Erin shook her head with a hurt smile.

 

“No, I’ll be fine, I could use the air,” she responded.

 

Holtzmann watched from afar, unable to hear the two women speaking, but noticed the pain in Erin’s face.

 

A face that Holtzmann had studied – in the picture of the four of them that she had hanging in her lab, framed of the _New York Post_ from the bust outside of the concert where they’d trapped their very first specter – hundreds, perhaps thousands of times. But no picture could do the real thing justice.

 

California had treated Erin well, her complexion was a bit fuller, her body had gained weight in all of the right places, no longer skipping meals in favor of working, apparently. And her skin had been kissed by the sun just dark enough to give her a healthier look, she stood from the table and the woman who’d been touching her before reached forward and embraced Erin and Holtzmann’s world fell apart beneath her.

 

Who was she to Erin? Holtzmann had no right to feel jealous, obviously. She’d waited months before gathering the slightest amount of courage to find the physicist, who was now in the arms of another and Holtzmann could only stare, feeling her vision tunnel as the sounds around her turned to white noise and she could feel an anxiety attack brewing.

 

Erin looked happy. She looked healthy… She was getting by just fine it seemed, without the Ghostbusters – _without me_ , Holtzmann’s mind took a dig at her and she had no right to come here and uproot that.

 

 _I’ll just have to tell Patty – she’ll understand… Erin deserves to be happy…_ Holtzmann turned and began walking away. She focused on putting one foot in front of the other, not even sure which direction she was heading, but she had to get out of there.

 

Little did she know at that precise moment, Erin would have grabbed her briefcase and bid farewell to the stranger she’d been with, look up, and witness Holtzmann walking away.

 

(to be continued...)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, I realize it's a short chapter... I promise more is coming soon! Just editing! :3 Thanks for reading, please review!


	6. Tell Me You Love Me (Come Back and Haunt Me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We got some 'Splainin' to do...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt bad for that other chapter that was so short... here's some happy so you guys don't leave me..

Erin gasped, briefcase dropping from her grip. Her eyes widened and then blinked.

_It couldn’t be_ …

 

Blonde curls, pulled back in a familiar tight bun with a large poof of bangs standing up… A soft, aged black leather jacket… Clunky Army boots and a duffel…

 

Her back was to Erin, but Erin knew that it was no coincidence.

 

_Holtzmann…_

 

Erin stepped off, paused, turned and reached for her briefcase before whipping back around and taking off as fast as she could in her heels, down the block, throwing out random apologies to people she passed who scurried to get out of her way.

 

 _Holtzmann…_ her heart beat in time with the clicks of her heels, her breathing uneven – she really needed to get in shape – and her eyes stung from the force of the cool air against her cheeks as she struggled to follow what she prayed wasn’t just a trick of her cruel mind.

 

“Holtzmann!” she cried out. “Holtz?!”

 

The blonde kept moving, weaving in and out of the crowds, not at all fast, but still far enough ahead to maybe have not heard her. Erin struggled to catch her breath, tears stinging as she caught familiar sight of the yellow lenses on the woman’s face – it wasn’t a trick.

 

“ _HOLTZMANN!_ ” Erin shouted and the person ahead froze. Erin stopped running, bending over and catching her breath, gasping as she struggled to keep her eyes trained on the body three feet from her that slowly turned.

 

She was thinner, almost scarily so and her eyes had a darker hue under them than what she last remembered seeing. She was wearing that ridiculous green crop top, the same one she’d worn the day they first met, and leggings? Those were new…

 

“Holtz?” Erin questioned. Still worried that maybe something from her conversation with Mike before had finally caused her hallucinations to become more vivid… That she would blink and Holtzmann would be just another strange woman on the streets, looking at her like she was crazy.

 

“Hello, Erin,” Holtzmann’s voice was rough, gravelly and a sob escaped Erin as she flew at the woman who easily caught her, even if she was off guard. Erin melted into the younger woman’s arms, breathing in the familiar scent of oil and cinnamon and she gasped.

 

“You’re here… you’re really _here_ ,” Erin shook and was grateful the blonde was holding her because she knew her knees would collapse otherwise. Relief swept over her and she felt a weight on her chest lift, if only slightly, for the first time since she’d arrived in California.

 

“As much as I’d love to stay here and reaffirm that I’m indeed _here_ , we’re starting to get some looks-” Holtzmann joked, a tad stiffly and felt a swell of something akin to delight when Erin’s face broke out into a teary smile, letting go of the engineer but not stepping away completely.

 

Erin looked at Holtzmann, slightly in awe, like she really couldn’t believe what was happening and Holtzmann stared back, feeling shy for unknown reasons. It had been nearly six months of radio silence – _my fault, all mine,_ Erin mused, darkly – and now Holtzmann was here, in _California_.

 

“Right,” Erin snapped back to reality, she reached down for her briefcase which she’d dropped suddenly and without releasing the other woman’s arm, they set off. If Holtzmann noticed the prolonged contact she said nothing, just shouldered her bag and followed Erin when she led her down the road. “Let’s go home.”

 

* * *

 

The first thing that Holtzmann noticed about Erin’s apartment was that it was unapologetically _Erin_.

 

She’d explained to Holtzmann on the way that the University set up the Professors in housing so all of the furniture was by them so it suited the Professor-turned Ghostbuster-turned Professor _again_ and Erin had little knickknacks of her own around the apartment. Daisies, Holtzmann’s favorite, on her table, little science-paperweights on her coffee table and several thick Physics texts in the bookshelf accompanied by only one portrait of Erin’s parents.

 

That was the second thing Holtzmann noticed, nowhere in the apartment were there any hung photographs, not even paintings, nothing permanent on the walls to show memories of Erin’s past before California.

 

“It always seemed like this would be temporary – I didn’t want to have to spackle afterwards,” Erin explained without Holtzmann needing to ask as they made their way into the apartment and Holtzmann set her duffel down while Erin hung their coats.

 

“It suits you,” Holtzmann said, not unkindly as Erin watched Holtzmann look around, walking over to the bookshelf and thumbing over some spines.

 

“Would you like some tea? I have so much – Annie, my boss’ wife – she makes some of the best oolong,” Erin’s voice grew distant as she clicked over to the kitchen and set a kettle on the stove to ready it. She reached up and grabbed two mugs down from the cabinet, along with a cylindrical container marked _FOR ERIN_.

 

Holtzmann said nothing, she just watched Erin seemingly dance around the awkwardness that had settled over them the moment they crossed the threshold and moved about her kitchen like she belonged there… which, Holtzmann guessed darkly, she really _did_.

 

She wasn’t sure what to do with her hands so she buried them in her arms, crossing them over her shoulders and scowling at her pocket-less leggings, had she known she’d be flying today, she’d have worn better pants.

 

“Sugar?” Erin asked, the pitch in her voice higher, more nervous.

 

Holtzmann hated it.

 

“Why?” she asked. Erin blinked.

 

“Why would you want sugar? I don’t have honey I’m afraid – but there’s a market right down the street-”

 

“No Erin, _why_ ,” Holtzmann snapped. She was upset, but more than that, she was _hurt_ … and hurt had never been an emotion she handled well and it often led to her sounding angry. “Why’d you leave? Why’d you not give us a chance? We were a _family_.”

 

 _Family_. Erin’s hands shook and she sat the sugar bowl down and gripped the counter to steady them. Holtzmann’s heart ached seeing the woman look so forlorn, to know she was causing it – but she was tired. She was so damn _tired_ of crying over this woman who didn’t seem to really give a damn that she’d left them behind.

 

That she’d _hurt_ them. Patty… Abby… Kev.

 

“Did you really not – not _care_ about us? Any of us enough to stay?” Holtzmann asked, coming around the corner into the kitchen, eyes unwavering, beginning to sting with months of pent up frustration and hurt and – Erin’s eyes widened and looked up at Holtzmann.

 

“Holtz, of _course_ I care!”

 

“ _Bullshit_ , Erin!” Holtz’ voice raised and Erin flinched, taking a step back. Holtzmann breathed in deeply through her nose, trying to calm herself. “That’s bullshit… if you cared you wouldn’t have _left_!”

 

Erin’s eyes fell to the floor before Holtzmann’s boots and her entire body trembled as Holtzmann stood there waiting for what seemed like hours. Eventually the kettle began to whistle and Erin reached over and pulled it off of the stove, setting it down.

 

“I have-” her voice choked. “I have nothing to give – I have no words… nothing I could say that would make sense – or even begin to explain,” Erin’s eyes slammed shut.

 

Holtzmann stepped closer and reached out, Erin jumped back like a spooked animal and Holtzmann’s heart ached in her chest. She hadn’t meant to shout, she didn’t like to see people hurt, but she’d been waiting for months to see Erin and the physicist just seemed to want to treat this as if everything were _normal_ … that Holtzmann’s visit wasn’t an unexpected trip down memory lane. That she wasn’t that _important_. That – that hurt the most.

 

“Could you try?” she asked, lowering her hand, her voice barely a whisper. “Don’t we – don’t _I_ deserve at least that much?”

 

Holtzmann waited as Erin took another minute to gather herself and when she looked up at Holtzmann, wounded – the dam broke.

 

Holtzmann watched helplessly as Erin collapsed into the floor before her and Holtzmann crouched, trying to catch her but Erin shook her head as the sobs began to wrack her body and Holtzmann waited, sitting as close as she dared to the redhead, heart shattering with every broken cry that released from Erin’s throat, wanting so badly to comfort this woman.

 

She’d been wrong – maybe things weren’t as happy or light as they’d seemed… Maybe Erin was just as broken as the rest of them were…

 

“I’m _so_ -” Erin sobbed. “I’m so _sorry_ , Holtzmann. I – I never _meant_ -” Erin rocked with the force of her sobs and Holtzmann couldn’t just watch anymore. She reached forward, Erin resisting at first, and wrapped the elder woman in her arms, pulling Erin into her lap, she pressed back against the stove and cried with her.

 

She cried. For what seemed like hours – for the fights with Abby, for the months of silence and her own cowardice, she cried for Patty’s unwavering strength, she cried for her own heartbreak and then she cried for Erin, for this beautiful, _brilliant_ woman who had thought that she had nobody who cared – nobody who loved _her_ enough to make her stay and had left to start a new life, somewhere where she could hopefully be happy…

 

Erin’s sobs calmed eventually, into soft, mewling cries, then hiccups, then deep, even breaths, hot on Holtzmann’s neck. She’d wrapped herself around the engineer and held onto her like she was the only thing keeping her from drowning in this mess they’d created.

 

After a while, Holtzmann’s legs began to stiffen and her ass hurt from the cold tile and she could really use a good night’s rest. So she carefully pulled her legs up and Erin subconsciously held on tighter and then carried the older woman, bridal style to the hall where she found Erin’s bedroom on the right-hand side across from the bathroom.

 

Holtz laid the woman out on her bed and slipped her out of her heels, unbuttoning her top, trying to see if she could find anything to dress the woman in for sleep – when she saw it.

 

 _I’ve been looking for this for months_ , she grabbed the crop top off the corner of Erin’s bed and noticed how her own scent from it had been mixed with Erin’s laundry detergent and some of her perfume, and smiled gently. She looked back at the woman’s face that was still red and splotchy with tears – but serene in sleep and oh, so beautiful.

 

She reached over and helped an unconscious Erin into the top and slipped the skirt out from under her once the covers concealed her legs – she was a gentleman, after all.

 

Knowing that she’d probably get better sleep if she were to lay next to Erin, she didn’t bother arguing over where to settle in for the evening, but she did however, make sure to grab a quick shower, because airports are disgusting and she couldn’t stand the thought of climbing into Erin’s bed covered in air that was 95% human farts.

 

After combing out her hair as best as she could, she crawled back into the queen-sized mattress with Erin, settling just far enough away to be respectful, in her boy-shorts and oversized WHAM! t-shirt. She watched Erin for a good while, illuminated by the orange glow of the streetlights outside of her window, her chest rising and falling with even breaths, her lips pulled into a soft smile – at least she was having pleasant dreams.

 

“I love you,” Holtzmann breathed, unable to help the confession that just felt so natural coming from her lips. She’d thought a lot about what Patty had said before her flight, about being the one to bring Erin home, she’d been in denial for months over her feelings for the physicist, she’d never been good at emotions – much like her mentor – and had instead, thrown herself into science.

 

There had been women in the past, certainly. But they were nothing more than glorified bed warmers, by the time morning came, she was either escorted from the premises or they’d have disappeared in the middle of the night. She wasn’t someone that girls brought home to meet the family.

 

She wasn’t anyone’s girlfriend ever… but Erin – her feelings were real, they were pure and they were frightening. Would Erin leave her if she ever found out the truth? Or worse, would she send her away?

 

Holtzmann fell into a restless sleep, heart and mind torn.

 

* * *

 

An annoying succession of vibrations was the first thing to bring Erin to several hours later as the sun was just rising over the skies outside. Her eyes opened to find a mop of blonde curls directly in her face, she took in a sharp breath at the unfamiliar sight and was greeted by a mix of her own shampoo (L’Oreal) and _burnt metal_?

 

The vibrations had paused, but then started up again, the low sound of George Michael belting out _Careless Whisper_ had Erin popping up from bed, confused.

 

A groan beside her sounded out followed by a murmur of “ _five more minutes_ ” and Erin realized that the past 24-hours had not been a cruel dream after all.

 

Holtzmann’s phone stopped buzzing from somewhere on the floor and Erin took in the sleeping engineer beside her, curled up in her bed, sheets tangled around her waist, blonde hair uncharacteristically down and fanned out around her, contrasting against Erin’s dark gray pillowcase. Mouth slightly ajar as she snoozed, eyes twitching behind their lids.

 

 _She’s really here…_ Erin stared down at the woman, feeling something akin to elated and happy, blossom in her chest. She had thought it all to be some crazy trick that her psyche had decided to play on her, but for the first time in months, it was the real thing.

 

Jillian Holtzmann was really here… asleep and -

 

 _In my bed. Oh – wait… how did-?_ Her confusion set back in, wondering how on earth they managed to wind up in bed together when she last remembered falling apart – _that’s embarrassing_ – in front of the younger woman in her kitchen.

 

And what – she glanced down at her outfit – _did she change me?_  Blood burned under her cheeks but she was interrupted from her musings to the sounds of _Careless Whisper_ once again blaring from the floor, under an article of Holtzmann’s clothes.

 

The lump of blonde groaned and Erin shot back as Holtzmann tipped herself over, half-off the mattress to grab blindly for her pants.

 

“Damn-” she swore after nearly falling face-first onto the floor, but Erin had managed to grab her waist and help haul her back onto the mattress. Holtzmann, phone in hand, blinked up at Erin, confusion marring her sleepy eyes first, then they blinked and widened when she realized where they were.

 

“Your phone, Holtz,” Erin blushed, pointing to the offending alarm. Erin ran a nervous hand through her hair as Holtz continued to stare at her in _shock? Disgust? No… what is it? Did I drool in my sleep?_ She checked her face and made sure that she hadn’t as Holtzmann finally turned away and Erin went to crawl out of bed.

 

“’Lo?” Holtzmann’s voice faded as Erin made her way to the bathroom across the hall.

 

A glance in the mirror showed that her face was a little splotchy, probably from last night’s crying fest. _Ugh, seriously Gilbert? You couldn’t just hold it together?_

 

But Holtzmann had held her, she’d been so tender and kind – and she’d cried too, and a piece of Erin’s heart both mended and cracked again at the thought of having caused the engineer so much pain.

 

 _You really are selfish…_ she heard the voice in her head that sounded way too much like Abby’s, and scowled, washing her face with a rag before relieving herself and trying to think of ways to stall the oncoming confrontation.

 

What was Holtzmann doing here? Why now? What would happen to the Ghostbusters if she was here? Did Abby know?

 

These questions and more plagued her until a soft knock startled her and she cracked the door, a still barely-awake Holtzmann blinking back at her.

 

“I would normally wait, but-” Erin flushed.

 

“Oh! I’m so sorry, go right ahead,” Erin opened the door fully and she and Holtzmann did a short dance of getting around one another in the tiny bathroom and then Holtzmann shut the door behind herself.

 

Erin’s head fell back against it, before she realized how creepy this looked and made her way back into the bedroom to change.

 

She checked her phone, three missed texts from Mike.

 

_Hey, how are you holding up?_

_Annie wanted to know if you would like green bean casserole or sweet potato casserole for Thanksgiving? I told her both, but she wants your opinion. :P_

_Are you coming in today?_

 

That last one was just moments ago and Erin realized it was Friday and she had a class in half-an-hour.

 

“ _Shit_ ,” she unlocked the phone and began to respond back but then thought twice.

 

“Everything okay?” Erin jumped, feeling embarrassed for being caught – doing what? She wasn’t doing anything worthy of embarrassment, but as her eyes found the ruffled Holtzmann, hair down and a rats nest of curls, in nothing more than an oversized band t-shirt and boy shorts, Erin’s voice stuck in her throat.

 

Holtzmann blinked up at Erin and then noticed her stare, her lips turned up in that familiar lopsided grin that Erin had, until now, not realized she missed.

 

“See something you like?” Holtz winked. Erin frowned, her cheeks flaming and heart palpitating in her ribcage. 

 

“N-no, I’m sorry – I forgot what the day was-” she looked at her phone again that buzzed in her palm.

 

 _Incoming Call: Mike Beale_.

 

“I have to take this,” Holtzmann nodded and turned to give Erin her privacy as she scrounged through her duffel for something to wear. Erin blushed at the backside that was now fully in view.

 

“Stop staring and answer your phone, Gilbert,” Erin jumped at Holtzmann who turned her head over her shoulder to smirk and Erin practically darted from the room, quickly answering the call.

 

“Hello?!” her voice squeaked as a laugh followed behind her.

 

“Erin? Are you all right? I’ve been worried-”

 

“I’m sorry, Mike,” Erin let out a breath. “Something crazy happened last night and-”

 

“Do I need to come over? What’s going on?” Mike asked, a little frantic and Erin couldn’t help but be elated that her friend worried. Erin shook her head.

 

“No-nothing. I’m fine, I just have something that came up – listen, could you-?” Erin hated asking Mike to take over her class _again_ , but she really wasn’t ready to leave Holtzmann just yet.

 

“Say no more, just email me any lectures you needed to go over – but I expect you to let me know about this later, all right?” Mike demanded in an older-sister like tone.

 

“Absolutely, _thank you_ ,” Erin hung up, letting out a relieved sigh.

 

“Playing hooky? That’s unlike you, Gilbert-” Erin jumped out of her skin, whirling around to a startled Holtzmann who held her hands up in shock at Erin’s startle. “Whoa! Easy there.”

 

“Holtzmann! You scared me…” Holtz shrugged. Her hair was done back up in its usual bun and she donned a faded gray t-shirt with M.I.T. stretched across her chest with a pair of black cargo shorts and mismatched socks.

 

“Sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear – anyway, I wanted to say you don’t have to skip work on my account, I can entertain myself perfectly -” Erin’s stare narrowed at Holtzmann and the engineer grinned. “I won’t set your apartment on fire or anything, I swear!”

 

“Holtz-”

 

“Erin,” Holtzmann’s said with finality. “Look, I’ve got an open-ended ticket so I can go whenever-” Erin felt her heart skip a beat, painfully at the idea of the blonde leaving – “but for now, you shouldn’t just pause your life because I’m here… go to work, I’ll be here when you get back? Maybe then you can show me around… we’ll go out and have a day together.”

 

“Or more?” Erin hated that she even felt the need to ask. But she needed to reassure herself that this wasn’t some dream. Holtzmann was here… smiling at her in that dorky way, eyes twinkling.

 

“Go,” Holtzmann nodded.

 

Erin made up her mind and nodded, she shot a quick text to Mike to let her know she’d be coming in, just a little late. And she reached out and pulled a chortling Holtzmann into a tight hug.

 

“Just don’t forget to actually wear pants, ok?” Holtzmann cackled as she slapped the back of Erin’s naked thigh, causing the redhead to yelp and darken around the ears, she retorted with a slap of her own against Holtzmann’s arm and the blonde laughed as Erin rushed to find an outfit for the day and get herself in gear.

 

* * *

 

“ _Finally_ ,” Mike cheer-whispered. Erin walked into the hall that was a lot quieter than it usually was when she taught, her students all focused on taking the notes Mike had written out on the board.

 

“So sorry, thanks again for taking care of them-”

 

“Not to worry, they’re all in line,” Mike winked. “Now, I expect an explanation later?” Erin nodded.

 

“Right, no problem, thanks again!” she whisper-yelled after Mike as the door shut behind her and then chaos ensued in her classroom as heads immediately popped up and her students got to chattering and asking if she was okay.

 

“Okay, okay, settle down!” Erin laughed, jovially. “I swear I need to take a note out of Dr. Beale’s book because you guys are relentless!”

 

* * *

 

Patty waited anxiously for Holtzmann to call her back, she’d obviously been a little forward in forgetting about the time difference and assumed with the engineer’s erratic Circadian rhythm that she’d have been awake by now.

 

As soon as her phone lit up with Holtzy’s whacky smile, she answered-

 

“Bitch, you better be on a plane with Erin right now-”

 

“ _I love you, too, CrabbyPatty_ ,” Holtzmann’s snicker came through the line.

 

“Seriously? You didn’t even let me know when you landed! What kinda friend does that? I’ve been up all night freakin’ out! I had a dream you were on some plane with snakes!”

 

“ _Everything is fine, Pats, I’m in California, I found Erin-_ ” Patty heard the smile in Holtzmann’s voice, something that she’d missed hearing the past six months.

 

“And?” her patience was thin. She glanced around the dark Firehouse and tried to ignore the hundred-plus emails from Mayor Bradley and Jennifer Lynch in her inbox.

 

“ _She has a life here… she – she seems happy,_ ” Patty’s eyes rolled.

 

“Baby, I can tell that’s a lie and I’m on the other side of the country! What happened?” she wished now that she could have gone with Holtz, but she knew this was something that the engineer needed, and Erin too.

 

“ _I dunno, we met and cried and slept-_ ”

 

“Daaaaaayyuuuummmm-”

 

“ _Not like_ that _, give me some credit, Tolan! I like to woo a girl first,_ ” Holtzmann sighed. “ _I don’t know - she’s at work for the time being, I’m gonna try to figure out what to talk about later._ ”

 

“That’s a good idea – how’s about you start with _I’ve got a ticket with your name on it, and we’re going home_?” Patty sighed. “Man, this place is giving me the creeps without you guys all here… Seriously, Mayor Bradley has become a stalker on our social medias.”

 

“ _Give me a day at least – just, don’t rush me okay? I’m doing the best I can,_ ” Holtzmann sounded exasperated. Patty pinched the bridge of her nose. “ _I don’t want to lose her again, Pats._ ”

 

“I know, baby, I know,” Patty glanced at her inbox where three new letters just popped up. “You take care of yourself, okay? Text me so I know you’re all right, I gotta run.”

 

“ _Love you, Patty-buns,_ ” Holtzmann’s smile was contagious and Patty’s face twitched in a similar fashion.

 

“Love ya, too, crazy, come home soon,” Patty hung up. She glanced over to the adjacent desks across the floor that had been untouched for weeks.

 

“Come home,” Patty repeated to the silent room.

 

* * *

 

Erin managed to get her lessons done in record time and left her class with only minimal reading for homework, since they had midterms coming, and headed to the lab, where she hoped to give Mike a brief explanation and then take off for the rest of the day.

 

It wasn’t so much that she hated leaving Holtz behind, so much as worrying over whether Holtzmann managed to keep her promise about blowing up her apartment yet. So far her phone had been silent, so that was a godsend.

 

“There she is!” Mike smiled from behind her work desk where she and Charlotte were collaborating over a blueprint.

 

“Heyyy, sorry about earlier,” Mike waved her off and pushed her glasses up into her hair.

 

“No need to apologize, just – what’s happening?” Mike asked, worried. Charlotte took her leave with a nod at Erin.

 

“So, you remember how I had told you that story of me leaving yesterday?” Mike nodded. “Well funny thing – when you left and I was heading to go myself, I ran into one of the Ghostbusters.” Mike’s eyes widened.

 

“Shut. Up!” Erin blinked.

 

“What?” Mike waved her hands excitedly.

 

“Abby is here?!” Erin’s heart wrenched painfully at that.

 

“No... not her – Holtzmann,” a gasp startled her.

 

“Dr. Holtzmann has come to Stanford?!” Shannon’s eyes brightened as she overheard Erin and Mike’s conversation and promptly set her beaker down on the table before she dropped it.

 

“Do you think she’d be willing to take a look at my thesis? I have this crazy idea about nuclear fission-”

 

“Shannon!” Mike warned. The intern deflated. Erin smiled weakly at the eager student.

 

“I’ll introduce you sometime,” Erin promised and Shannon’s face practically split with the force of her smile.

 

“Anyway, so Dr. Holtzmann? As in the woman-”

 

“Who singlehandedly constructed all of the Ghostbusters equipment? Yes,” Erin nodded.

 

“I was going to say the woman who holds your heart, but that works too,” Erin balked. Mike winked.

 

“I-I have no idea what you’re talking about!” Mike laughed.

 

“Oh Erin, please – I watched you tell me your life story with those women yesterday and every time the name Holtzmann came up you suddenly became a schoolgirl with a crush!” Erin’s cheeks brightened.

 

“You’re being incredibly rude,” Erin muttered under her breath.

 

“And you’re being incredibly daft,” Mike put her glasses back on and peered at Erin over them, judging. “Anyway, are we doing lunch? Or should I assume you’re going to go home and spend time with _Jillian_?” she asked with a knowing grin.

 

“It’s _Holtzmann_ and yes, I am – I wanted to know if you’d be all right with me taking off for the day, in fact… it’s been a while and I feel that I have a lot to discuss with her,” Mike nodded.

 

“Of course, take your time, I daresay you’ll be ready to come back fully charged Monday?” Erin nodded with a proud smile.

 

“Of course!”

 

“And maybe Holtzmann can give you some extra charging herself, if you know what I mean,” Mike laughed as Erin spluttered and then glared at her colleague/friend.

 

“I’m going to make sure Annie hears about this,” Erin snipped and Mike glanced up with mock-fright.

 

“Ohhh,” then she smirked. “Yes, do please, and then bring Jillian by so we can meet her, I just know Annie would love to meet her as well!”

 

Erin was already half-way out of the lab.

 

“ _Holtzmann!_ ” she yelled over her shoulder. Mike’s laugh followed her out of the SRI.

 

(to be continued...)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there... now you guys can stop being mad and at least know that I'm not a total douche! :3 stay tuned for more in the coming days...


	7. Science & Progress (Do Not Speak as Loud as My Heart)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of hand-holding and other fluffy shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for making y'all wait but life has just gotten super busy. Hope the fluff was worth it though? :3 still quite a bit more to go so enjoy the ride!

****Erin arrived home and was relieved to see that Holtzmann had indeed, kept her promise – well, _almost_.

 

“Sorry about your spatula,” Holtzmann cringed as Erin noticed the former utensil melted at an odd angle and the flat part mangled and twisted.

 

“It’s fine, how about we just order in? Chinese sound good?” Holtzmann brightened as Erin dialed the familiar takeout number and Holtzmann was proud to hear that Erin hadn’t forgotten her favorite order of beef and broccoli, _minus_ the broccoli and extra duck sauce for her egg roll.

 

Erin offered to pay but Holtzmann insisted, throwing cash at the stunned delivery boy as Erin searched for her checkbook.

 

“So you’re teaching mostly?” Holtzmann asked around a mouthful of sticky rice.

 

“Mm,” Erin nodded around her own mouthful of lo-Mein. “The research is a little tedious since we don’t actually have specters that have presented themselves around Palo Alto, but our team is brilliant – Mike, she’s in charge and she has all these plans in place just in case a Rowan-level incident were to occur out here.”

 

Holtzmann listened with rapt attention, noticing the little quirks Erin had picked up in talking with her hands a lot more and studied every smile, every laugh, every crinkle at the end of her eye as she talked about her students and how she had been thinking of writing another book.

 

Her heart was a little more at ease when she learned that this Mike Beale person, had become a friend to Erin, and had a wife who apparently loved to cook and paint with her vagina in her spare time, Erin explained through a choked voice. Holtzmann was intrigued by this and joked about buying one of Annie’s paintings if she ever got a chance to meet her.

 

“They’d like to meet you, I almost forgot – I told Mike you were in town and she and Annie have insisted on having dinner before you…” Erin’s voice slowed to a pause and her eyes seemed to lose focus as she couldn’t imagine ending that sentence.

 

 _Go_. Holtzmann heard it in her own head, in Erin’s voice no doubt. And her own gut twisted nauseously at the thought of leaving herself. The air in the room shifted from comfortable to unpleasant and Holtz set her fork down, taking a sip of her Mountain Dew. Erin just stared down at her plate and Holtzmann hated seeing her frown so she reached over and placed a gloved hand over Erin’s own.

 

“Hey,” Erin’s eyes rose to meet hers. “I’m here now, okay? Let’s just enjoy the time we have, yeah?” Erin blinked and Holtzmann thought she saw a passing glance of something akin to regret pass through those hazy blues but then Erin smiled, even if it didn’t reach her eyes and nodded.

 

“You’re right,” Erin agreed. “So maybe we can join them tomorrow night? I don’t have work on Saturdays so I figured we could make a day of it and head into town, I’d love to show you around the campus. It’s magnificent now that the weather has cooled considerably.”

 

“Yeah, well – it certainly isn’t like New York,” Holtzmann meant it in a joking manner but it seemed that the darkness behind Erin’s eyes returned and she kicked herself internally for bringing it back. “I just meant that it’s a lot warmer here than it was -”

 

“Yeah, no – you’re right.” Erin smiled, grabbing her plate and Holtzmann’s as well. “Nothing could ever compare to New York.” Holtzmann hoped that the longing she heard in the older woman’s voice wasn’t fake as she went to clean off their dishes and she excuses herself to text Patty.

 

 **Holtzy** (8:32PM): _I don’t know how to tell her…_

 

She waited for a response and wasn’t disappointed.

 

 **PattyCakes** (8:33PM): _Holtz, it’s nearly midnight so excuse me when I’m frank for saying Just. Tell. Her._

 

Holtz frowned. She forgot about time zones.

 

 **Holtzy** (8:33PM): _Sorry for waking you. :(_

**PattyCakes** (8:35PM): _Don’t worry about it – just try and get some sleep and text me in the morning. Good night._

**Holtzy** (8:35PM): _Night._

 

“Everything all right?” this time Holtzmann was the one to jump when Erin’s voice came up from behind her.

 

“What? Yeah, just had to text Patty – she worries,” Holtz smirked, locking her phone. Erin’s eyes looked sad, but she smiled gently at the mention of their friend.

 

“How is she?” Holtzmann looked away from Erin and back to her phones’ darkened screen.

 

“I think that’s a story better suited over a stiff drink – or five,” Holtzmann gritted her teeth, hoping it didn’t come out unfriendly. But she wasn’t quite ready to leave this small, frail bubble of happiness she had with Erin, not yet anyway. Erin nodded.

 

“Right – well, I was just coming in to let you know I’m headed to bed, I didn’t know if you wanted to get a shower but I pulled out some fresh towels,” Holtzmann stood, stretching.

 

“Sounds good, now just let me borrow a pillow and blanket and I’ll be good,” she smiled, running a hand through her hair. Erin’s expression grew confused.

 

“Pillow-?” her face reddened. “Oh, I’m – I’m sorry, I just assumed-” Holtzmann felt her own cheeks tint.

 

“I didn’t want to assume-” she spoke at the same time and they both looked at the other and shared a smile.

 

“You don’t mind?” Erin asked.

 

“Not at all,” Holtzmann agreed.

 

After a quick shower, Holtzmann came into Erin’s room where Erin was seated on the right side of the bed, she was in a blue silk pajama top, her hair down with glasses ( _those_ were new) perched at the edge of her nose as she chewed on the tip of a red pen (a habit Holtzmann fondly remembered Erin taking up with all of the magic markers in their shared workspace once way back, good to know some things never changed), papers sitting in her lap with one in her hands that she perused, muttering under her breath.

 

Holtzmann felt her heart swell at the domesticity of it all and basked in the beauty that was a relaxed Erin Gilbert hard at work, even when she should be sleeping, and then her expression sobered.

 

 _This is what makes Erin, Erin… Academia… papers…_ Holtzmann felt like an intruder into her world. A world in which she didn’t belong, but desired to be in nonetheless. She thought of a different time, a different reality in which Holtzmann would come home to every night and be able to curl up next to Erin, her colleague – her friend – her lover and just find peace in the simplicity of it all.

 

No ghosts to bust, no dangers other than those presented normally in a physics or engineering lab. Holtzmann would be working on projects to help better the Earth and Erin would teach and research.

 

 _But this is Erin’s reality – not mine_. Holtzmann sighed and Erin was brought out of her own trance as she glanced up at Holtz, standing in the door and smiled gently.

 

“Sorry, I like to try and get a little grading done before I hit the sheets,” she flourished the paper in front of her before capping her pen and placing the papers on her nightstand with her glasses and pen. She turned back and opened the sheets on the other side of the bed – _my side­_ – Holtz thought, and Holtzmann smiled, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes, before she climbed into bed next to Erin and Erin reached over to turn off her lamp before sliding down beside Holtz.

 

For a moment Holtzmann just watched Erin, lying flat on her back, eyes to the ceiling, her own eyes adjusted to the darkness a lot faster than most, due to her own photosensitivity, so she could see Erin just as clearly now as she had moments ago. So when a tear suddenly trekked down the side of Erin’s temple, Holtzmann reached out and Erin must not have realized she was crying because she started at the gentle touch of Holtz' digit wiping the tear away.

 

“I guess I have overly sensitive ducts,” Erin choked out a tearful laugh. Holtzmann saw her turn her head into Holtzmann’s palm and sighed. Her eyes remained closed for a moment and then blinked open, staring directly at Holtzmann.

 

“I’m really happy that you’re here,” Erin whispered in the dark. Holtzmann said nothing, she couldn’t. There were so many things happening inside of her head right now that she couldn’t process – and so she just lay there, watching Erin as Erin watched her and then a moment later, Erin turned toward the other woman and scooted closer, taking the hand that had been resting against Erin’s cheek and tangling it with her own.

 

She took her other arm and placed it, hesitant at first, over Holtzmann’s waist and then looked at the engineer who was essentially frozen in her own head, before closing the distance and pressing their foreheads together, breathing shakily.

 

“I’ve _missed_ you,” Erin breathed, tears still flowing but Holtzmann didn’t move to wipe them away now, she simply let Erin be. Sharing the same pillow, hands and legs tangled, Holtzmann reached out for Erin’s waist and pulled her even closer. Erin gasped a little, at first, but then settled into the embrace and eventually fell into a fitful slumber, Holtzmann lay awake watching – _studying_ – her for hours before succumbing herself.

 

* * *

 

When Holtzmann woke, the sheets beside her were cold and her heart gripped in panic for a brief moment as she glanced around the room, wondering where she was before she remembered that she was in California – with _Erin_.

 

The physicist however, was nowhere in sight but as she sat up and blinked the sleep from her eyes, the pleasant smell of bacon and eggs had her mouth watering and she reached for her glasses on the nightstand before the door to the bedroom opened and what she saw stunned her.

 

Erin, still clad in her own pajamas, hair piled up into a righteous mess of a bun on her head, was bringing in a tray with two plates loaded down with delicious smelling breakfast food, coffee and OJ, as well as a small daisy.

 

“Oh, you’re awake,” Erin pouted. “I’d hoped to surprise you-”

 

“Color me _very_ ,” Holtzmann made grabby motions for the tray and Erin beamed, setting the tray down over Holtzmann’s lap and then circled around the bed to join her.

 

“I’ve always wanted to make breakfast in bed and I figured we could start out the day with something positive,” Erin smiled as Holtzmann pulled a very crunchy piece of bacon into her mouth and bit down, savoring the grease and fat.

 

“Fucking marry me,” Holtzmann moaned around the bite and didn’t notice Erin’s jaw drop or widened eyes before she turned and the physicist collected herself around a sip of her coffee.

 

“That’s not necessary, but I hope you’ll like it, I’ve been learning from Annie how to make decent food – so I don’t have to survive off of takeout any longer,” Erin joked and Holtzmann smiled as Erin discussed a few plans for the upcoming day, ultimately to be finished off by dinner at Annie and Mike’s.

 

“Sounds like a plan, stan,” Holtzmann smiled, twirling the daisy between her fingers. “I love daisies.”

 

“Me, too,” Erin stared fondly at the flower. “My grandmother would grow them in her garden and let me bring home a bunch whenever I’d visit, she always said they were God’s way of giving us a reason to smile, a _happy_ flower.”

 

Holtzmann watched Erin reminisce.

 

“The actual meaning behind daisies are joy and innocence, so it makes sense, I’ve just always liked them because they were the only flower that didn’t make me sneeze as a kid…” Holtzmann smirked and Erin polished off her orange juice.

 

Holtzmann then reached over, taking both women by surprise as she twined the daisy’s stem into a lock of hair behind her ear. “Perfect.”

 

Erin stared back at Holtzmann for a moment before she suddenly remembered their plans.

 

“Right, we’ve got to get ready – long day ahead of us!” Erin sat up and reached for the tray, leaving the room in haste to let Holtzmann watch after her with a fond smile.

 

“I’m so fucking screwed,” Holtzmann breathed before she got up to get dressed for a day of outings.

 

* * *

 

Erin began by showing Holtzmann around the Stanford Shopping Center on campus, it was a large set of outlet malls as well as her favorite café, and where Holtzmann had first spotted Erin.

 

“They have the _best_ lattes, but their apple cider is what I’ve been craving since the Autumn began,” Erin said, bouncing on the balls of her feet as she led Holtz into the café where the smell of warm pastries and roasted espresso beans filled their senses.

 

“Morning Dr. Gilbert, the usual?” the twenty-something redhead behind the counter asked, his beard made him look older than he was though.

 

“Yes, please, and whatever my friend is having?” she looked to Holtzmann who ordered just a tall black coffee.

 

“Not bad, Gilbert,” Holtzmann offered after her first sip of the surprisingly delightful brew. “Definitely better than the watered down crap I used to buy at Starbucks.” Erin snorted, biting into her apple pastry and offering Holtzmann a bite.

 

The engineer took a healthy chunk of pastry and apple and moaned, Erin felt a stirring, deep in her belly as Holtzmann’s tongue flicked out to the corner of her mouth and caught a piece of apple filling. She felt a whimper bubble up in her chest but she stamped it down when Holtzmann’s eyes opened, looking at her with pure joy.

 

“That _is_ good.”

 

“Anyway, so down here is mostly the clothing stores – in case students are from out of town and like to get clothes for the warmer weather-”

 

“Ooh! Nordstrom! I love that store, c’mon Erin!” Erin followed like an obedient owner after her puppy that practically bolted for the low-end retail store.

 

Holtzmann perused nearly every aisle, throwing mismatched shirts and ties and socks into a basket while Erin discreetly picked out a blouse or two of her own that she’d been eyeing for a while.

 

“Whataya think!?” Erin snorted as Holtzmann came out of the dressing room in a Steve-Earcle-type getup. Olive corduroy pants pulled waist high by rainbow suspenders over a blue-and-white-checkered top, paisley tie wrapped around her neck, still in her mismatched socks from earlier.

 

“Holtzmann! No-” Erin laughed as Holtz proceeded to _Walk Like an Egyptian_ in time to the Bangles playing over the static-speakers overhead. Erin laughed until tears sprang to her eyes, shoving the ridiculous woman back into the changing room before others could see her.

 

Not two minutes later, the top was exchanged for a hippie-looking violet piece that flowed down to Holtzmann’s knees, she had undone her hair and it splayed out wildly over her shoulders, her tie now crossed along her head like a true hippie, and her glasses perfect for the outfit – for once.

 

“Oh my God…” Holtzmann smirked and twirled around and around, letting Erin get her fill and laughing the entire time.

 

“You’re an actual five-year-old!” Erin chortled. Holtzmann mock-bowed before returning to the dressing room.

 

“Dr. Gilbert!” Erin paused in her mirth as a familiar voice caught her attention.

 

A mousy-looking girl with wiry brown hair and eyes behind glasses that were almost too big for her face, beamed up at Erin as she stood.

 

“Janice! How are you?” Erin tried to look a bit more professional in front of one of her students.

 

“Great, just great – y’know, hittin’ the books real hard before midterms,” Janice smiled, friendly.

 

“Great. That’s wonderful to hear. What are you doing here?” Erin hated her brain-to-mouth filter. Loathed it really.

 

“Oh, I work here,” she pointed to the smock over her black turtleneck where a nametag sat.

 

“All right then, well, it was good seeing you-”

 

“How about this one, Er?” Holtzmann’s voice cut her off as she shut her eyes in slight horror, wondering what the blonde was about to show off in front of one of her students.

 

“Whoa, that looks smokin’!” Janice’s voice said and Erin’s eyes opened, whirling around and feeling her own jaw drop at the sight.

 

The red dress plunged a little further than Erin would typically be comfortable wearing on her own, but on Holtz – Erin blushed. The skirt cinched at the waist of the sleeveless gown and flowed down to her bare ankles, sweeping.

 

“Is this your girlfriend, Dr. Gilbert?” Janice asked, wide-eyed. Erin flushed and she swore even Holtzmann’s eyes widened at first but then she grinned down at the younger girl.

 

“If only… but hey, who’re you?” Holtz asked with a salacious wink to Erin who was still trying to find words to describe how absolutely breathtaking Holtzmann looked in the out-of-character dress.

 

“Me? I-I’m no one…” Janice grew red under her mousy bangs.

 

“That’s not true, everyone is _someone!_ ” Holtzmann smiled kindly and placed a hand on Erin’s shoulder, startling the physicist.

 

“T-this is my student, one-one of them, Janice Prior,” Erin stammered. Holtzmann nodded.

 

“Janice Prior, well then, it’s _nicetameetcha_!” Holtz shook the shy girls hand.

 

“Y-you, too,” Janice smiled, timid. “She’s really nice, Dr. Gilbert, you two make a cute couple – I’ll see you in class!”

 

“Janice-!” but the girl was gone and Erin swore her heart was doing cartwheels in her chest.

 

“She seems like a good kid!” Holtzmann grinned, oblivious to the torture in Erin’s psyche.

 

“Are you hungry?” Erin choked out, feeling a little warm under the collar of her old M.I.T. hoodie that she dragged out from the back of her closet for the occasion. She hadn’t worn it since that incident in the subway that nearly got her killed, but slimed nonetheless.

 

“I could eat, just let me get out of this thong-” Erin blushed.

 

“You’re wearing the store underwear?!” Erin practically shrieked.

 

“Chill, Erin! You don’t have to announce it to the whole store!” Erin blushed. Holtzmann headed back into the changing room.

 

“And no, just for your information, I’m not wearing the stores’ underwear, they’re mine,” she winked and with that, closed the door to the changing room and Erin fell back against the seat she’d been in previously, her knees too weak to hold her.

 

* * *

 

They had lunch at the same Indian restaurant – _Curry Up Now_ – Mike had introduced Erin to, as well as Annie. Except now Chilikuri, or “Chili” as he liked to be called, greeted _her_ by name and sat them down with a smile.

 

Holtzmann apparently had an iron stomach as she scarfed down Biryani with only another Mountain Dew (“I think you may have an addiction to that stuff-” “Oh, no, I totally do – no doubt.”).

 

Then Erin had a brilliant thought as she managed to fight Holtz over the check and win.

 

“How do you feel about classic movies?” Holtzmann blinked.

 

* * *

 

The Stanford Theater was a treasure out of time. Built in the 1920’s as a neoclassical Persian architecture, it specializes in the showings of classic films dating from 1910 to the 1970’s.

 

Today, they managed to be just in time for a showing of _Casablanca_ a secret favorite of Erin’s that she couldn’t resist sharing with Holtzmann as they sat in the far back of the wings overlooking the pit and main theater.

 

Holtzmann bought the tickets in favor of losing the lunch bill and splurged on some popcorn for her and Erin to share.

 

“Really ritzy joint ya found here!” Holtzmann smiled at the lines of classical movie posters they passed on the way toward their destination.

 

“It’s an incredible building and you’re going to love the seating!”

 

Holtzmann adored sitting up high above the stage where she could easily see the screen as well as every other patron in the theater and as the lights went down, she found herself intrigued by the classic that she’d never actually witnessed, only heard of in passing.

 

Erin, who’d seen the movie countless times, took in the enraptured blonde who’s eyes rarely left the screen except to make sure she was grabbing the right drink since she needed her caffeine whereas Erin had opted for iced tea.

 

She thought of the interactions they’d had since the morning started, she had been surprised to wake up before the blonde, knowing how crazy the engineer’s sleep schedule tended to be. But had enjoyed getting to witness a vulnerable side to Holtz, who was typically very private and shared little about herself.

 

She wondered, not for the first time, what had driven Holtzmann to finally come out to California, but she couldn’t help but be grateful to whatever it had been. Erin had not been lying last night when she said she’d missed Holtzmann, there’d been rarely a day that had passed since she left New York that the blonde didn’t somehow weasel her way into her thoughts and the more time she spent with her, the more her heart ached at the thought of letting her go again.

 

The scene where Ilsa threatens Rick with a gun startles Holtzmann and Erin almost laughs at the wide-eyed wonder filling the younger woman’s face.

 

“Don’t do it,” she swears she hears Holtz mumble. But keeps her eyes trained on the blonde, instead of the movie and tries to think about what it would be like if this weren’t just a rare occurrence.

 

What if Holtzmann stayed? What if she decided to live here – with Erin and teach? Or build things? There was no doubt she could definitely find work anywhere she went. She’d be willing to bet money on Stanford accepting her into their institutions without question.

 

Erin would have someone to come home to, someone to share things with again, like these little treasured days at the movies when she felt like the world was just too much and wanted to get lost in time, or just sit down at her favorite café with a pastry and cider and watch people go about their mundane lives, wondering what it would have been like to be like them.

 

To have never seen a ghost – but then, she’d probably have never met Holtzmann.

 

“Are you seeing this?” Holtzmann asked, not tearing her eyes from the screen and Erin blinked, smiling fondly.

 

“Yes, I think I am,” she whispered back, her eyes trained on the scientist who quickly looked at Erin, smiled and then turned back just as Rick threatens Renault.

 

* * *

 

“Damn, I cannot believe Rick just let her go! Who does that?!” Holtzmann was flabbergasted as they left the theater, Erin smiling on at the charming display of Holtzmann angered by Rick sending his love off on a plane.

 

“He loves her, he knew he couldn’t keep her, so he did what he thought was best and let her go,” Erin shrugged. Holtzmann stopped though in front of Erin and shook her head.

 

“It’s not right though, they were _in love_ , they were meant to be and he just – argh! If it had been me – I would have fought harder for Ilsa.”

 

“Even if it meant putting Ilsa’s life at risk of concentration camps?” Erin asked, a niggling feeling in the back of her mind told her to stop while she was ahead. That she wasn’t just talking about _Casablanca_ any longer.

 

Holtzmann paused, hands in the pockets of her leather jacket. Eyes trained on Erin in seriousness.

 

“If you love someone, you do everything in your power to protect them. You do your best to make them happy, even if the world is telling you that it’s wrong,” Holtzmann stated, voice unwavering. Erin’s eyes flickered back and forth between Holtzmann’s own.

 

“What if Ilsa chose to leave instead?” Erin breathed. Holtzmann blinked, realization dawning on her face.

 

“Then Rick would be stupid to not follow her,” she answered simply and Erin’s heart somersaulted.

 

She opened her mouth to say something but a shrill ring from her phone startled both women from their bubble.

 

“It’s Mike,” Erin stated, seeing the woman’s kind face pop-up on her home screen. Holtzmann nodded for her to take it and walked over to the door, holding it open for Erin as she answered.

 

“Yes, we’ll be there in a few, I just wanted to stop one more place – all right, see you then,” Erin hung up and Holtzmann waits for Erin to explain, not wanting to intrude.

 

“That was Annie, she actually wanted to tell us that the lasagna would be ready early, so to head on over,” she nodded at the redhead.

 

“Well then, lead the way?” Holtzmann smiled and Erin took them through a detour into the Palo Alto Farmers Market, showing her where she managed to get all of her fresh fruits and veggies.

 

“Ooh, and they get so many good tropical fruits here that are normally no good when they get to New York supermarkets, look!” Erin smiled excitedly as she pointed out fresh pineapple and melons. Holtzmann just watched her with enthusiasm as she picked up a bits and bobs.

 

“I’m allergic,” Holtzmann said as Erin offered her one of the small furry fruits.

 

“To kiwi?!” Erin gasped, like it should be a crime for someone to be unable to enjoy such a delicacy. Holtzmann shrugged.

 

“Kiwi and pine nuts, as far as I’m aware,” Erin frowned, but stored that little tidbit away for further notice and set down the kiwis.

 

“Starfruit is just as tasty,” she smiled, grabbing that in lieu.

 

“Mike and Annie’ll probably be wondering where we are, let’s get going,” Erin remembered and paid for her items. Holtzmann noticed a cart right along the side with fresh cut flowers and smiled.

 

“How much for daisies?” she asked the grocer.

 

“$8 per dozen,” Holtzmann pulled out her wallet.

 

“Two please,” she smiled and Erin blushed as Holtzmann handed her the first bouquet of fresh daisies and lifted them to her face more to hide the giddy smile that crept up as Holtzmann took Erin’s free hand and they headed down the road.

 

(to be continued...)

 


	8. Nobody Said It Was Easy (No One Ever Said It Would Be So Hard)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because real life is a bitch.. Sense and sensibility.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost forgot that I had this ready for you guys yesterday... whoops! Enjoy the ride :3

“Oh, daisies! These are just lovely! And I see you got some for Erin, too, you’re a gem!” Annie squealed as they made their way into the house that felt more like a second-home to Erin as she shed her hoodie and stood greeting Mike in the foyer as Holtzmann offered Annie the second bouquet of flowers.

 

“Erin, let me take those and put them in some water for you,” Annie smiled and Erin handed over her bouquet with a smile as Holtzmann walked over to meet Mike.

 

“It’s such a pleasure to finally meet you, Erin’s told me nothing but great things,” Mike explained, shaking Holtzmann’s hand with a firm grip.

 

“She’s nicer than she should be,” she winked at the already blushing physicist who glowered at Mike and had warned her to be nice.

 

“Hey, so I’ve been working on this project with Erin and my coworkers on a coolant-” Erin excused herself as Mike rattled on about work and joined Annie in the kitchen as she cut the stems and placed both bouquets in separate vases for her and Erin.

 

“She’s sweet, I like her,” Annie stated, immediately. Erin beamed.

 

“She really is,” Erin agreed.

 

“So? Is she staying here with you?”

 

“For the time being,” Erin nodded but Annie looked curious.

 

“I meant for the long haul, sweetie, is she planning on going back to New York or-?” Erin looked away.

 

“We – haven’t discussed anything yet. It’s been a whirlwind since she arrived and I’ve just been trying to enjoy what time I’ve got with her,” Erin sighed.

 

“Yes, well that’s all good and whatnot, but she isn’t the child between you and Abigail – you need to decide who she is to you,” Annie placed a knowing hand on Erin’s forearms that were crossed over her chest, protective.

 

“I’m not sure that I’ll ever be ready for that discussion,” she sighed, letting her arms drop as Annie moved in to hug her in the motherly fashion that always managed to help Erin feel better.

 

“Whoa, whoa, what’s happening in here?” Mike’s laughter cut the tension just as well as Annie’s hug and Erin pulled back, smiling tearfully and wiped at her eyes, noticing Jillian’s bright smile falter, she shook her head.

 

“Who’s hungry?” Annie clapped her hands together to break the small tension in the air and shooed everyone over to the table where she carried a steaming tray of lasagna that made Erin’s mouth water.

 

* * *

 

Wine, laughter and friendly banter was shared between Erin and the homeowners while Jillian enjoyed her third slice – “the red pepper flakes really do the trick!” – and watched Erin interact with her friends.

 

Holtzmann ignored the tiny voice in the back of her mind that sounded too much like Patty, telling her that this was where Erin belonged. That this was a world that Erin belonged in and Holtzmann needed to accept it.

 

Holtzmann quieted the voice with another glass of rouge and laughed at the appropriate times, but if anyone were to look close enough, they’d see that her smile didn’t quite meet her eyes.

 

“Are you sure you don’t want to just crash here? It’s fine, really-” Annie offered for the umpteenth time after dessert was finished and the hour grew late.

 

“It’s a short walk, and we don’t want to impose-” Erin shook her head, kindly.

 

“You’re never imposing!” Annie balked.

 

“You haven’t heard Holtzmann’s snores,” Erin winked at the engineer who looked on in mock offense.

 

“And just how would you know what those sound like, Erin?” Mike nudged the redhead with a sly wink. Holtzmann watched the flush spread easily against the older woman’s cheeks.

 

“They’re loud – trust me,” Holtzmann chimed in, saving Erin the embarrassment, although why she was, the engineer dare not think too deeply about.

 

“They really liked you,” Erin giggled, leaning into Holtzmann yet again as she stumbled over her own two feet, a little more than tipsy and Holtzmann shook her head, watching fondly as the redhead tried to correct herself.

 

“Whodathunk that _the_ Dr. Erin Gilbert is a lush,” Holtzmann chortled.

 

“Shut up,” Erin whined, giggling nonetheless.

 

After stumbling again Holtzmann paused and stood in front of Erin.

 

“Hop on,” Holtz said at Erin’s confused stare.

 

“What? Holtz, no I’m heavy-”

 

“Erin, shut up and hop on before I throw you over my shoulder caveman style and drag you home,” Holtzmann admonished with a grin, mock-beating her chest with her fists causing Erin to roll her eyes.

 

“Fine, but if I ruin your back-” Erin grabbed at Holtzmann’s shoulders and after one failed attempt and a groan, Holtz leaned down and reached behind herself for Erin’s legs that wrapped easily around Erin’s waist and Erin leaned forward, giggling still.

 

“You’re lighter than my proton pack, so I have no idea where you get the idea from,” Holtzmann smirked.

 

“Oh, I hated those things, they were so heavy, I preferred the shotgun you made for me,” Erin slurred into Holtzmann’s neck.

 

“I’ve been working on lightening the load,” Holtzmann nodded, trying to keep her mind on direction and not on the way that Erin’s front pressed so comfortably against her back.

 

“Hmm,” Erin murmured, it was clear that the scientist was falling asleep as Holtzmann continued the trek until they got to Erin’s front door.

 

“Gilbert,” Holtzmann nudged her shoulder where Erin’s head lay. The physicist groaned. “Erin, I need your key.”

 

“ _Mm, five minutes-_ ”

 

“I swapped all of your physics texts with copies of horrible science fiction novels,” Erin shot up with a start and screeched “ _WHAT_ ” in Holtzmann’s ear and Holtzmann dropped her on her feet with a wince, but cackling.

 

“I need your keys,” Holtzmann spun to meet Erin’s wild-eyed gaze under the glow of the porchlight. Her shoulders sagged and she huffed.

 

“That was incredibly rude,” Erin sighed, reaching into her back pocket and producing a small keyring with three keys and a small Magic-8 Ball.

 

“Really?” Holtzmann grinned, dangling the Magic-8 Ball and Erin glowered.

 

“It was that or a rubber duck,” Erin shrugged. Holtzmann snorted, she turned to open the door, then paused.

 

_Now or Never, Holtz._

 

She turned back to a slightly confused, slightly sleepy Erin.

 

“It’s the silver one-” Erin nodded to the keys in Holtz’ hands.

 

“No – it’s just, _thanks_ for – for today, it’s been really nice,” Erin smiled genuinely at that.

 

“I had a nice time, too,” she nodded, touching Holtzmann’s arm.

 

Both women looked down at the appendage and then back up to the other, Erin realized what she was doing and went to drop her hand but Holtzmann reached for it and tangled their fingers together.

 

“It was a wonderful night,” Holtzmann breathed, stepping closer to Erin, watching the physicists’ eyes dilate in the soft glow. Her heart pounded in her chest, alarms ringing in her head.

 

“Holtz-” Erin felt her heart flipping in her chest, which she knew was physically impossible, but a lot of what she once thought was impossible, Holtzmann usually managed to break through with an answer anyway.

 

Holtz’ eyes glanced down to Erin’s lips, then back to her eyes, scanning her face, the tension between them building, she had never felt more scared of anything in her entire life – and there had been many events to compare it to – but Erin’s eyes looking at her like she was the only person she could see…

 

Erin found herself leaning forward, breath catching and eyes closing and then –

 

“ _I’m never gonna dance again – guilty feet have got no rhythm…_ ” both women jumped back as if they’d been shocked at the sound of Holtzmann’s phone choosing at that precise moment to go off.

 

“Fuck,” Holtzmann swore uncharacteristically, seeing Patty’s face light up her screen.

 

Erin was in turmoil however, and looked from the phone to Holtzmann and felt panic swell in her chest – _what – what did I almost just do!?_

 

She reached for the keys from Holtzmann’s hand.

 

“I-I’m gonna go inside… you-” Erin’s voice cracked and Holtzmann looked up at her, face twisted between agony and something else.

 

“Erin…” but Erin was already inside and Holtz felt her heart crack open like the day it did when Erin left as the door shut and her phone buzzed with a missed call.

 

_Damnit, Holtzmann, what the Hell were you thinking!_

 

Her phone began to ring again and an inexplicable anger coiled in her belly at the offending object.

 

“What?” Holtzmann answered, seething.

 

“ _Whoa, girl – hey, I haven’t heard from you today, just wanted to check and see if things were okay?_ ” Patty’s alarmed voice sounded in her ear.

 

“No, Patty, they’re not, in fact, they’re so _far_ from okay that I just think that it’s time I get on a plane and head home!” Holtzmann bellowed.

 

“ _Holtzy! What happened?_ ” Holtzmann felt tears fill her eyes and her heart just ached and ached and ached with every beat in her hollow chest.

 

“I fucked up, Patty,” Holtzmann sniffled.

 

* * *

 

Erin was pacing in her living room, unaware of the conversation happening right outside her door, unable to hear anything but the sound of panic filling her mind.

 

 _What were you_ thinking _, Erin!? You almost kissed your_ friend _! You almost ruined something – but…_

**_Holtzmann had been leaning in, too…_ **

_Not the point! She’s your former colleague and you’re frail right now… you’re head isn’t in the mindset…_

**_But your libido sure as shit is…_ **

_Shut up!_

**_Face the facts, Gilbert, we want her…_ **

_Of course I want her,_ Erin mused darkly. Tears springing up into her eyes. _I’ve admired her from afar for so long… she’s kind, genuine, smart, funny, not to mention adorable in those outfits…_

**_…Your heartrate increases whenever she walks into a room…_ **

_Not helping._

**_…You go out of your way to see her smile…_ **

_Really. Not. Helping._

**_…Her laugh makes you feel like you’ve swallowed a hoard of butterflies… She flew all the way out to California to see you… You just had a lovely evening that could technically be classified as a date and she was going to kiss you until you promptly slammed the door in her face…_ **

****

_I – I –_

**_She’s probably out there right now wondering what she’s done wrong and you’re in here panicking over something as simple as mutual affection between two consenting adults…_ **

****

_But she never told me why she was here – and –_

**_Excuses, excuses, Gilbert – grow a pair of tits and kiss that woman before you lose her for good!_ **

****

_Why am I even arguing with you?! Holy shit, I’ve lost it, I’ve finally become crazy…_

 

“Erin?” Holtzmann’s voice meekly greeted her ears, surprised.

 

The engineer had not been expecting Erin to be waiting for her when she entered the apartment, nor to find a frazzled scientist awake and looking clearly distressed.

 

“Are you okay?” Holtzmann asked, forgetting the heartbreaking conversation she’d just had with Patty, forgetting that the woman before her had essentially just snubbed her advances and that her own heart was crying out to take the woman before her in her arms and just hold her. But she wouldn’t.

 

Erin deserved better than her… she deserved this life in California, where she could brighten young minds with her advanced knowledge of physics and find somebody who could challenge her and be there for her…

 

This wasn’t Holtzmann’s life… this wasn’t her choice.

 

“Will you tell me why you’re here?” Erin’s voice cut through her reverie. Holtzmann blinked, looking at the tearful physicist. Holtzmann’s voice stuck in her throat. They’d not spoken a word about why the blonde had suddenly come here out of the blue, not yet. It had been such a lovely evening and Holtzmann hated to let it end on such a sour note.

 

Erin stepped forward, Holtzmann froze where she stood, feeling as though the carpet had molded to her boots and she was stuck.

 

“To see you,” Holtzmann stated half-honest. She really had come to see Erin, but her agenda to try and bring her home was still one she was abhorred to bring up.

 

“Why?” Erin stepped closer, now within arm’s reach of the younger woman.

 

“Because I missed you, _we all_ miss you,” Holtzmann had never been a good liar, she had an excellent poker face but her brain-to-mouth filter had always been lacking. “There was a bust – we fought and I lost it when Abby said some things -” Erin winced at the name and also in thought of what she might’ve said about her.

 

“I left and Patty found me at Dr. Gorin’s – turns out they both thought that I really needed to be the one to come out here and try to convince you to come back home,” Holtzmann finished, averting her eyes. She couldn’t bear to see the hurt that crossed Erin’s features.

 

Erin felt her heart sink at the notion that there really had been another notion of Holtz coming to see her, not simply because she just wanted to, but because –

 

“Holtzmann – I _can’t_ ,” Erin’s voice cracked and Holtzmann’s eyes squeezed shut in the pain that leaked from the physicists’ voice.

 

“I know,” Holtzmann breathed, looking up at Erin.

 

Their eyes locked and Erin didn’t know what came over her but she knew that one moment she was staring at Holtzmann and the next her lips were crashing onto the engineer’s with desire finally bubbling over, her heart soared as Holtzmann’s stiffened but then melted into it, reaching around to grab Erin’s waist and pull her impossibly closer.

 

Erin couldn’t decipher who moaned but it sent shockwaves through her body as she gripped the back of Holtzmann’s neck tighter and thrust her tongue into the younger woman’s mouth, exploring – probing – desire setting her nerves on fire and she swore she could see stars behind her eyes as her knees weakened and she fell into Holtzmann who promptly caught her in her strong, sturdy embrace.

 

“Erin – Erin, stop,” Holtzmann broke the kiss, breathing uneven and chest heaving raggedly against Erin’s own. Heart stampeding in her chest, eyes dark with yearning, _hunger_.

 

“I want you,” Erin pressed her forehead to Holtzmann’s and a whine barely escaped the blonde’s throat before Erin was fiercely attacking her lips once more.

 

_Stop this, Holtzmann… stop it right now._

“ _No,_ ” Holtzmann stepped away, feeling her heart cry out in retaliation as she put distance between herself and Erin whose eyes were lidded and lips swollen.

 

A moment. A breath later. Erin blinked, some form of common sense dawning over her features.

 

“Holtz-” she instantly felt her world fall apart.

_What have I done_?

 

“Erin – I can’t do this… you – you have no idea how long I-” Holtzmann slammed her eyes shut, balling her hands in fists as she leaned forward and took in a breath, she gasped like she could hardly breathe.

 

“I can’t do this when I know that there’s no future for us.”

 

Erin felt the first tear fall.

 

“What d’you mean?” she croaked. Holtzmann looked up at Erin with tears blinding her vision.

 

“I’m going back to New York – it’s obvious that this life here that you’ve built-” Holtzmann sucked in another gulp of air like it physically hurt her to say this. “It’s where you belong. Not me. Not Abby or Patty or even Kev. You.”

 

“Holtz – that’s not fair, you’re not even giving us a chance…” Erin shook her head.

 

“I’ve been crazy about you since the day we first met,” Holtzmann pulled her glasses off and wiped the tears from her eyes and looked at Erin who stared back in embarrassment… “I can’t stand the thought of life without you – I’ve been going crazy for months, wondering if you’d ever come back… but this is where you belong Erin, you’re _happy_ here.”

 

“I’m _happier_ because of you!” Erin argued.

 

“You’re emotionally compromised!” Holtzmann snapped back. “It’s not fair to me – to _either of us_ – for us to start something like this and then end when I inevitably go home to New York and you’re here in California.”

 

“So _stay,_ ” Erin pleaded, stepping forward. Holtzmann took a step back, shaking her head, another tear falling. Her heart was in shambles, Erin felt like she was going to be physically sick.

 

“I don’t belong here, Erin… this isn’t the life I chose – and I’m happy for you here, but I belong in New York, busting ghosts with our friends… I can’t -” Holtzmann shook her head, voice catching.

 

She looked back up at Erin who had paled considerably.

 

“I want you – but I want you to want me for who I really am, and I’m not _me_ here… I couldn’t fit in in the world of academia, I’ve tried that route and I’d never be able to do that again, and I couldn’t ask you to come back with me because I _know_ that despite Abby and everything that’s happened – you are where you belong.”

 

Erin remained silent. Taking in every word and trying not to break. She knew the younger woman was right – in many aspects. She’d never want for Holtzmann to give up what made her happy just to be here with her.

 

“You said you’re going back?” Erin choked out, trying to keep herself from falling apart by focusing on the topic they’d yet to breach. Holtzmann studied her for a moment but nodded, nonetheless.

 

“My flight’s tomorrow afternoon, I figured it’d be best to just let you get back to your routine…” Holtzmann answered.

 

“Why do I feel like I’m never going to see you again,” her voice shook and Holtzmann looked up at Erin before stepping back into her bubble. She lifted a hand and cupped the older woman’s cheek, Erin’s eyes closed as she leaned in to the calloused, yet gentle palm.

 

“We’ll always have Paris,” Holtzmann tried to lighten the mood and it only made Erin choke out a sob, eyes opening as another tear fell, Holtzmann wiped it away.

 

“Is there really no way to convince you to stay here with me?” Holtzmann felt her eyes sting and overflow again and she shook her head with the saddest smile Erin had ever seen on the munition expert’s face.

 

“We come from different worlds and I don’t belong – no more than you do in mine I suppose.” Erin’s eyes shut and hot tears continued to streak down her face as Holtzmann pulled her in, pressing a soft kiss to the corner of Erin’s mouth, then her cheek and then they held one another until Erin cried herself out and Holtzmann helped her to bed.

 

Holtzmann took the couch that night.

 

(to be continued...?)


	9. Oh, Take Me Back to the Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our girls get a dose of reality.

Holtzmann spared her heart the extra ache as she continued to text Patty, who was livid with Holtzmann for their earlier conversation after the almost kiss –

 

“ _No – no flippin’ way, Holtzy! You can’t just leave! Bring Erin_ home _!_ ”

 

“ _Patty – She’s_ happy _here._ ”

 

“ _Do you love her?_ ”

 

“ _That’s not the point-_ ”

 

“ _Answer the question, Holtzmann._ ”

 

“ _Yes. You know I do… and I’m leaving her_ because _I love her. Because I love her enough to let her choose her own happiness. Because if I stayed here with her, I would only drag her down – I don’t belong in a place like Stanford, I barely fit in along with Abby at the Higgins Institute! My life is in New York with the Ghostbusters and Erin deserves better.”_

 

“ _Erin deserves to_ know the truth _– have you told her?_ ”

 

“ _I don’t need to make her decision harder than it needs to be… I want her to come home, but not just because of me… say she came home and we were happy… how long would it be before her and Abby fight again or she regrets leaving her students or her work here? It’s like her asking me to stay here and be_ normal _. Over time, she’d resent me for it. I’d rather love her from afar than not have her in my life at all…”_

“ _That’s an awful lot of guess-work for a scientist like you. Baby, that girl would be a fool to leave-_ ”

 

“ _She already_ has _, Pats, and this time I’m gonna get it right – this time I will let her make the decision on her own, if she decides she wants to come home then that’s fine – but I won’t let her base it on account of my feelings._ ”

 

Holtzmann didn’t sleep at all. She eventually spent most of the early hours packing up her belongings in her duffel and waiting to see if Erin would come out of her room. She didn’t want to wake her, but as eleven approached, then eleven-thirty and now noon, she knew she’d have to head out soon to make her flight.

 

“Erin,” Holtzmann knocked on the door to the bedroom. She strained her good ear to listen for any sign of movement, but all she could hear was the soft whirring of the overhead fan.

 

“My cab is gonna be here any minute – I just… I thought I’d tell you goodbye… I wish I didn’t have to say it to the door?” she waited.

 

Silence followed and Holtz felt like if there was anything left of her heart, it would be breaking now. Instead, the hollow ache in her chest just reminded her that this was for the best.

 

Holtzmann pressed her forehead to the door, hand splayed out against the faux wood grain.

 

“I’ll be in touch,” Holtzmann sighed against the door. Pulling back, she tapped her nails on it in a non-distinct pattern and then heard the horn honking from out front. She looked to the living area and then back to the door, her body aching, yearning to see Erin one last time.

 

She tried the brass knob but it was no use, Erin had locked it. _Of course_.

 

“ _I love you_ ,” Holtzmann breathed, barely above a whisper, her eyes closing in agony as her confession was answered by nothing more than another loud honk from out front.

 

* * *

 

“ _I love you._ ”

 

Erin froze at the bold proclamation from the other side of the door that she sat against. She’d barely slept more than two hours before she woke in a fit, mind and heart at war as she tried to summon the courage to go out to the living room and talk this out like rational adults.

 

But one minute turned into thirty – then an hour – then several and soon she heard the blonde up and about and her resolve strengthened by the fear clenching in her chest like a vice.

 

She heard Holtzmann approach and speak to her through the door, she had even had her hand on the knob, ready to open the door and beg Holtzmann to just _stay_. But her own cowardice and fear of losing Holtzmann forever by admitting what she’d come to understand after hours of contemplation, stopped her from doing so.

 

So she listened on as Holtzmann sighed against the door and another horn sounded from the front – cabbies in California were even more impatient than New York ones, Erin had learned over time – but then another sound, one that she swore she may have not heard, came from Holtzmann and her heart stopped beating momentarily as she strained her ears to make sure she’d not heard incorrect.

 

 _She loves me…_ Erin felt her jaw snap shut as the sound of her front door shutting and the roar of the cabbie’s engine snapped her back into reality.

 

 _She loves me – and she’s leaving!_ Erin nearly tore the door right off of its hinges as she threw herself out of the room and sped after the blonde.

 

“ _Holtzmann!_ ” she cried out after the cab that had already turned the corner. Her breathing became erratic as panic set in.

 

 _She loves me… she’s leaving… she loves me… I have to get to her… she has to know… she_ loves _me!_

Erin raced inside for her keys and wallet and ran out to the main road a block down the way and whistled for a cab. Three passed by her and she screamed in frustration, startling the few passerby’s that were out and about on campus this early on a Sunday morning, probably on their way to chapel.

 

“ _C’mon_!” a cabbie finally stopped.

 

“San Jose Airport!” she yelped and the cabbie slowly turned from the curb, Erin fought with everything she had not to urge him to drive faster.

 

Erin reached into her pocket for her phone and was ready to dial but remembered then that she didn’t have Holtzmann’s number, or anyone else’s for that matter – she never memorized numbers, nor did she have her old phone to even use as a reference.

 

 _Shit, shit, shit_ – “Could you hurry, please? I’m trying to stop someone.”

 

“Lady, there are speed limits, unless you wanna pay the fines, then forget about it,” the cabbie berated and Erin sat on her hands to stop from slapping the plexiglass that separated the two of them and she stifled the whine in her throat.

 

 _Please don’t let me be too late…_ she begged whatever deity may be listening to give her enough time.

 

She loved Holtzmann, she couldn’t believe it had taken her so long to figure it out – but she did, deeply so. The woman made her _better_ , stronger; She didn’t have to pretend around the blonde to be happy simply because Holtzmann made her that way without even having to try.

 

Holtzmann may have been the surer one of the two of them in their sordid relationship, but deep down Erin could recognize that Holtzmann must have thought she was giving Erin a chance to live a life she’d chosen – that Holtzmann wasn’t enough of a reason to return to New York – to the Ghostbusters… and to be honest she _still_ wasn’t sure, but she had to tell Holtzmann – she had to let her know how she felt… There was no way she could let the woman leave without knowing, she’d already done that to the engineer once.

 

* * *

 

Holtzmann made it through the small airport check-in in record time, she still had about twenty-minutes ‘til boarding, the line at the security checkpoint wasn’t long at all either.

 

 _Maybe New York could use smaller airports as well_ … Holtzmann mused, bopping her head along to the beat of 80’s music pumping through her phone as she texted Patty the time of her plane’s arrival.

 

 ** _PattyCakes_** (12:43PM): _I don’t like this one bit, but I’ll see you when you get home… Abby just got back this morning._

**_Holtzy_** (12:44PM) _: See you soon_.

 

She forewent her usual smiley-face emoji and powered down her phone, unplugging her ear-pods and loading her duffel onto the rolling rack, slipping out of her combat boots and leather jacket.

 

“Move forward,” the TSA on the other side of the scanner motioned her in and Holtzmann rolled her eyes as she walked in and thought of twenty different things that she had just on her person alone that the TSA didn’t know were potentially hazardous.

 

“Clear.” Holtzmann stepped forward and took her ID and tickets back. “Have a safe flight.” Holtzmann nodded with a barely-there smile as she grabbed her boots and bag and walked ahead to get to her terminal.

 

* * *

 

Erin tore through the tiny airport in a frenzy, a TSA noticed how fast she was running and must’ve alerted others by the alarming nature and called out for her to stop.

 

She just kept running, her lungs burning and her legs feeling like they may give out at any moment.

 

“ _Don’t leave… Don’t leave…_ ” Erin panted. Her heart pounding in her ribcage.

 

“Ma’am! By order of the Transportation Security Administration, _stop!”_ she finally heard and she complied as she felt tears streaming down her face, both from the physical burning in her lungs and the ache in her chest where Holtzmann had unknowingly ripped out her heart and taken it hostage.

 

“Ma’am, hands up where I can see them!” Erin complied, running out of steam and watching as planes took off out of the windows. She felt tears choke her and she turned, obeying the TSA and knowing she’d get no further.

 

“What is your hurry?” the cautious TSA approached, a female TSA with him, immediately beginning to pat Erin down.

 

“I was trying to stop someone I loved from leaving without knowing how I felt-” the woman patting her down froze and then promptly snorted. The other male TSA began chuckling with her.

 

“That’s - unfortunate, you’re gonna have to come with us though…” the male stated and the woman held Erin’s shoulder in one hand and pushed her forward.

 

Erin glanced back over her other and begged for any chances of seeing a blonde head pop up, but she knew it wasn’t likely. She followed the guards to an “interrogation room” where she sat and waited to be questioned for her odd behavior.

 

She was allowed a phone call and called the only person she knew would answer, then waited to be questioned and after the TSA head regarded her as a minimal threat and warned her about being so flighty in an airport during these “terrifying times” she was released.

 

* * *

 

Holtzmann watched the ground below her grow smaller as the plane took off and velocity had her sinking back into her seat, looking back to see the tiny airport become nothing more than another building amongst the thousands of others before she felt the tears she’d been holding in from before finally break through.

 

“Oh, don’t cry dear – I’m sure whoever he is, he’ll be waiting back here for you when you return,” a kind older woman sitting next to Holtzmann offered her a handkerchief and Holtzmann accepted it, not bothering to correct the older woman. She only waited for the tears to stop, catching them in the soft cloth that smelled like rose petals.

 

“Thank you,” Holtzmann obliged and the older woman patted her leg affectionately.

 

The rest of the flight was thankfully quiet.

 

* * *

 

“Whatever is going on with you, and I won’t ask right now, just – know that I’m here, okay? Annie, too,” Mike said, parking her bug outside of Erin’s apartment.

 

The physicist sat quietly in the passenger seat, staring out ahead, eyes focused on nothing in particular, her mind replaying the last few hours.

 

Holtzmann was gone. She’d left Erin and though she knew where she’d be, where to find her – Erin wasn’t certain what she could do next. Did Holtzmann even want Erin to follow her? She’d told her just last night that Erin and Holtzmann belonged to different worlds and that this was one that she clearly thought Erin was happiest in.

 

_But was she?_

 

Erin allowed a tear to fall, not caring that Mike waited patiently for her to say something, anything to assure her. But Erin was broken, she didn’t have a clue what she would do now.

 

“Erin,” Mike finally managed to break through the fog. Erin’s eyes glanced up to her friend, her colleague and Mike felt her very soul hurt for the woman.

 

“Listen – if you want to go back to New York, there’s really nothing to hold you here,” Erin blinked, unresponsive. “Your contract is lenient at best… but you need to be sure that if you do that it’s not just for her. Real life doesn’t work like the fairytales – you left New York for a reason and unless you’re ready to confront and forgive all of those demons, don’t just go on account of a feeling.”

 

Erin waited to make sure that she had nothing else to say, but nodded in assent and then climbed out of the bug, saying nothing still and headed into her apartment.

 

Darkness had fallen outside already and save for the range hood light on over the stove that she never touched, it was dark in her apartment. She moved as if on auto-pilot though to her bathroom where she began stripping and turned the shower on as hot as it would go.

 

Under the spray, she willed for the stinging water to wake up the cold in her chest that seemed to haunt her. When the spray turned cold, she finally stepped out, having not washed her hair or body, and she wiped the fog from the mirror over the standalone sink.

 

Her eyes tiredly looked back at the woman in the mirror as she fought to recognize who she had become… who was she really?

 

A scientist? A ghostbuster? A colleague? A friend? A possible someone?

 

Blinking, she saw the faint quirky smile of Holtzmann behind her and swore she heard the woman’s voice whisper in her ear.

 

“ _I love you_.”

 

Erin broke. She shut off the light and sobbed until she reached her bedroom, shedding the towel around her midriff, she fell into the sheets and cried and cried, harder. Body wracking with sobs until she caught a whiff of cinnamon that made her pause.

 

Holtzmann’s pillow. The one she’d slept on, on the opposite side of Erin’s too large queen bed. If she tried hard enough she could almost picture the smiling blonde winking back at her with a toothy grin, curls splayed out around her head like a golden halo.

 

“ _I love you._ ” Her voice haunted Erin’s subconscious, over and over again until she eventually cried herself into exhaustion.

 

* * *

 

Holtzmann arrived at JFK just after dark had settled and met Patty at the arrivals gate in the ECTO-1.

 

Holtzmann felt her chest grow tight as she struggled to not cry and Patty said nothing after loading her bags, but grabbed Holtzmann before she could climb in and pulled her into a hug.

 

The engineer shook and dry sobs began to rock her small frame in the taller woman’s arms and Patty just held her tighter.

 

“It’s gonna be all right, baby,” Patty murmured, sounding a lot surer than she felt, but it helped for now as Holtzmann nodded into her shoulder and then released herself from the hold and climbed into the hearse, not even bothering to mess with the radio dials as Patty put the car in Drive and they headed home.

 

* * *

 

Abby was waiting at the Firehouse. Patty had been quiet on the affairs regarding what was happening, she knew Holtz had gone to California and she’d been upset at first that they’d not all gone, but she knew that maybe it was for the best to have time to really figure out what it was she would say to Erin when she came back.

 

She sat at her desk at the Firehouse and watched as Kevin tried to construct a banner that was supposed to read ‘WELCOME HOME’ but the poor man seemed to have dyslexia and it turned out being unintelligible.

 

Nervous didn’t cut it when Patty told her she was headed to the airport, she’d offered to come along but Patty told her to stay put, or just go to bed because chances were they’d all be too tired to deal with any real emotions tonight, but Abby was restless. She was ready to fix things, she knew she’d been wrong and that Erin deserved a better friend from her, despite how a small part of her was still selfishly hurt by Erin leaving, but she was working on it.

 

Her therapist was a really nice person, had a lot to say when it regarded Abby’s feelings and justifying her own pain. She hoped that in time, she’d be able to forgive herself as well as Erin, but for now, she just really wanted her best friends back.

 

The door to the Firehouse opened and her ears perked up and Kevin released a party popper of confetti yelling out “SURPRISE!”

 

Patty shook her head with an eye roll, followed almost simultaneously by Holtzmann who looked tired and Abby flew over to them, forcing herself to stop before throwing herself at the blonde, not sure where they stood.

 

Holtzmann seemed to notice Abby’s uncertainty and – feeling too tired to argue about who said what and who was wrong, she just dropped her duffel and yanked Abby into a fierce hug.

 

Abby returned it with fervor and a soft laugh.

 

“Missed you weirdo,” she choked out.

 

Holtzmann hummed and buried her face in Abby’s sleeve, not ready to talk just yet, but hugging she could always do.

 

Abby looked over at Patty and then scanned the room, confusion settling in and then concern. Eyes turned back to Patty who shook her head with a silent frown and Abby felt the small fire in her stomach flare up, but she quenched it down and allowed the hurt that she knew it really was, take over and she just squeezed Holtzmann tighter, knowing the younger woman needed her friend right now, not a raging Abby that just wanted to hit things because Erin had failed her expectations.

 

 _There are reasons for everything, you have to remember that –_ her therapist would tell her.

 

An excited Kev soon joined them in the hug and grabbed Patty in for it too, the former beaming like the puppy that he was.

 

“Welcome home, everyone!” he thankfully did not mention the lack of their team member and at this point, Patty was almost sure that he didn’t even know better, but she allowed the others to hug her and they all stood like that in the foyer for a few minutes more, just comforting one another in silence.

 

FIN...?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry Mom.


	10. Epilogue (You Don’t Know How Lovely You Are)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and YOU get a happy ending.. and YOU get a happy ending and YOUUUUU get a HAPPY ENDING!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank You to every single last person who has left kudos, reviewed and rode this adventure out with me one painful chapter at a time. And an even BIGGER thanks to the lovely Qym who inspired me, collaborated with me and ultimately made this story into the masterpiece that it is. Thanks for being there and having faith in my abilities! :3 I'm honored to have worked with you.

**_December_ **

 

It had been one month, two days and thirteen and a half hours since the Ghostbusters had bounded back from what had nearly been the end.

 

Things had gotten back to a somewhat semblance of normal around the Firehouse, with a few exceptions. Patty had taken over the team as their unofficial “leader” after having saved their asses from the wrath of the Mayor during their absence, even Kevin seemed to be grateful to the level-headed woman and brought her a thoughtful gift of _New York For Dummies_ , she didn’t mention that this certainly wasn’t a book she would need, but added it to her collection anyway.

 

Abby had continued going to therapy, improving her communication between herself and the others. She and Holtzmann finally managed to hash out their discord in a respectful manner and Kev finally felt safe enough to walk around without a helmet in the office (don’t ask) and as for the engineer –

 

Holtz got by as best as she could. She continued to tinker in her lab, Patty ensured that she managed to eat healthy and she even slept in her own bed sometimes instead of at the workbench. She designed new toys for the team to test, she kept her mind so busy that she wouldn’t have to have time to think about the fact that her phone had remained silent since she came back – she tossed it into a beaker of acid after the third day and had yet to replace it. But she doubted seriously that anyone she wanted to hear from would be calling her – her mind strayed clear from the woman constantly in the back of her mind and always in her heart – who was still 2,935.2 miles away.

 

The holidays were fast approaching and Abby had insisted that they decorate and spend the holiday together as a family. Holtzmann couldn’t help but agree, despite how her heart broke at the thought of still missing one of their own. Patty agreed as well and decided to forgo her own tradition of spending time at her Uncle’s in Jersey and would help celebrate here at the Firehouse.

 

Holtzmann had never been one to celebrate Christmas, it had never been a big deal to her parents before they died and Dr. Gorin was a firm atheist and had no need for a holiday that celebrated a child king who walked on water.

 

Holtzmann saw it as more of a fairytale holiday anyway and usually spent the day watching cheesy documentaries on TV, eating mass amounts of gingerbread and eggnog, and maybe go dumpster diving in the evening for spare junk that people threw out casually. Even during the years spent with Abby at Higgins, the two generally wouldn’t do more than exchange greetings, share some Chinese takeout and maybe offer a gift or two which usually tended to be a dirty Santa one for kicks.

 

This year would be a little different but still, as Holtzmann glanced around her lab, she knew that nothing she concocted here or any wide range of funding that the Mayor would supply them with, that this was as good as it would get and that maybe she could show a bit more graciousness.

 

Holtzmann relished in the fact that she had her family – maybe they weren’t perfect and maybe they did still have the occasional minor blowout, but she wouldn’t waste time wishing for things that she knew some magical Christmas star or deviant in a red suit could never bring her…

 

* * *

 

Patty shook her head looking at the eight-foot spruce sitting in the middle of the Firehouse that Kev had brought in but not stuck around long enough to help her decorate. Abby was at therapy and there was no way she would ask Holtzmann to help her decorate the festive tree in fear that she might set it ablaze.

 

The door behind her opened and closed, a chill crawling in from the outside New York air.

 

“You’re back early-” Patty turned and froze at the sight before her and then a smile that nearly broke her face clean in half for the first time in months graced her features.

 

* * *

 

Holtzmann was just putting the finishing touches on her proton crossbow, after Abby had started getting her to watch that _Walking Dead_ TV show, she had practically drooled over the scraggly redneck’s precision with arrows and it got her to theorizing and soon actualizing the explosive-tips that would destroy ecto-matter on impact and also create medium-to-mid-size poofs for fun.

 

The sound of footsteps on the stairs alerted her to another presence in her lab but she remained focused on her toy.

 

“Whatever it is, it’ll have to wait – these bad boys are incredibly unstable,” Holtz stated matter-of-factly as she finished screwing an arrowhead onto the shaft and then slid it into her quiver.

 

She looked up at last and froze, blinking once, twice… certain that she was seeing things, she took off her glasses and rubbed her tired eyes.

 

“Someone told me once that if I had to come back here – it needed to be for a much bigger reason than myself, lest I spend the rest of my life running from all of my problems.”

 

Long auburn hair fell over her shoulders, dusted with droplets of water from possible snowfall outside. Her cheeks and tip of her nose rosy with the cold air and eyes shining bright in her matching blue overcoat. Holtzmann’s breathing became erratic as she fought to remain conscious, was this a dream?

 

“So you’re here,” Holtzmann heard her voice speak, but it sounded robotic – distant. She didn’t move from her spot, eyes trained on the physicist, but the hollow in her chest where her heart once rested, ached for the first time in over a month as she waited for Erin to respond.

 

“I am… and if I’d had any sense at all I would have been here much sooner,” Erin stepped forward, one step, then two, pause. “But I was scared and I know that is no excuse for what I did… but -” Erin fidgeted with her scarf, removing it and placing it on the workbench, away from anything that looked like it might go _boom_. “When I left New York – I had no idea what was keeping me here in the first place, I felt like the team would have been okay without me and that there would be more for me in California – that I could find what it was I needed, despite that I had no idea what it was at the time, does that make sense?”

 

Holtzmann shook her head in the negative and Erin’s smile was weak. Of course.

 

“It took me months to realize that there was something missing – something that I had in New York but didn’t see until it was too late and you were leaving.”

 

Holtzmann watched Erin watch her with something akin to hope in her baby blues.

 

“I am so sorry that it took you leaving _me_ to realize that the only place I’ve ever felt truly happy – like I could truly be _myself_ was when I was standing right beside you – whether in combat against a ghost, or at the farmer’s market in Palo Alto,” Erin stepped forward, suddenly in Holtzmann’s reach but the blonde still didn’t move, simply watching the physicist with wide, curious eyes, her nostrils flaring as she struggled to maintain steady breathing.

 

“It took me even longer to try and let my emotions run their course before I could think clearly enough to know that _you_ weren’t something irrational and that I knew I was making the wrong choice by staying at Stanford – I knew somehow that _you_ knew all along that we’d have never been happy there together and I had to get my mind and heart to agree that you were worth any experience I could get at some university – I’m so _so_ sorry it took me so long to know that I just – I just want _you_ , Holtz and maybe I’m crazy and maybe you don’t feel the same way, but I’d rather be here with you than -” Erin rambled until Holtzmann stopped her, stepping forward at last.

 

Her heart raced in the chasm of her chest.

 

“Erin,” Holtzmann choked out. “Shut up.” Erin blinked and before she could retort, one hand was on her neck, another at her waist, pulling her forward and into a kiss that rivalled their first by far. Passion burned bright in Erin’s stomach as their lips collided and she felt her knees grow weak and she grasped Holtzmann’s shoulders to steady herself, kissing the engineer back with fervor.

 

“About damn time!” Patty whoops from the middle of the stairwell, having eavesdropped on the entire conversation, not even sorry. Holtzmann and Erin both grin so widely the kiss breaks and Erin laughs.

 

“I love you,” Holtzmann breathed and Erin’s heart soared, much like it had the first time she heard those three words muttered through the wooden door of her apartment in California. Erin beamed.

 

“I love you, back,” tears filled her eyes as her heart continued to thud in her chest and Holtzmann looked at her like she’d been given the world itself wrapped in a neat, silver bow.

 

Holtzmann pulled Erin back down into another kiss, then another, taking pause between each wide smile, each tear that she would catch falling from Erin’s eye, every muttered “I love you,” and just relished in the fact that both women finally had everything that they ever needed.

 

-Fin-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 34,304 words later... That's all folks! Thanks for reading!!! <3

**Author's Note:**

> I hate myself. Come yell at me, if you must on tumblr @ljthebard.


End file.
